My Christmas Anti-gift list

Christmas is a festive time of year. Actually a time of year that I typically dread (which has turned into its own festivity). People charge to and from stores with wrinkled and stressed expressions. Of all of the times of year everyone should be out driving it is NOT December. So there is your typical festive fender benders and festive fatalities. Children screaming, cell phones ringing, and a holiday rerun are all I ever have to look forward to. Also, the chatter about what an "amazing deal" I got on this item. Of course we spend hundreds of dollars to get these "amazing deals".

Person # 1: "You would not believe the amazing deal I got on this chair/iPod speaker"

Person # 2: "Really? I wanted that chair/iPod speaker for my daughter. She would use it all the time. Instead, I got her a shower radio that she can plug her iPod into."

Person # 1: "Really? She'll love that. There is nothing like dancing to your favorite tunes on a slippery surface next to a door made of glass."

If you are tempted to shop for me this season, I do not own an iPod and want nothing iPod related. Here is the rest of my Christmas anti-gift list (If I receive any of these things from you, you are my mortal enemy. I will fight you like a dough nut loving ninja would fight Homer Simpson for the last sprinkle on a dough nut).

10. Librarian Action Figure - It does nothing...ever. It comes with a book that you read while it stares at you and reminds you (via non-verbal cues) to be quiet. Re-tarded.



9. Baby hot dog outfit: Seriously, who would ever dress their child up in a hot dog outfit. No one, ever, says "Hey, my kid would look great as a bratwurst nestled between two buns!" Stu-pid.



8. Rosie Paper: I don't like the idea of Rosie O'donnel living on the same continent as me just because that increases the chances that we could run in to each other somewhere. Why would I want her near my intimates? Cre-epy.


7. Inflatable Moose Head: Go Kill your own. It won't look nearly as stupid. Besides, nothing says mountain cabin like a pool toy taped to the wall. La-me-o.


6. Singing lump of coal: This is an absolutely stupid gift. The point of coal is that it is a punishment and not a gift. To give coal as a gift breaks code 1031-b of the Christmas code. Oh, and really, who would think it is funny? A Nit-wit.



5. Lame T-shirt: This shirt says it all "Hello, I am Lame". But at least it doesn't lie. Kudos for being honest! Nin-ny.


4. Peter Petrie Egg Separator: This is simply foul. When you put an egg into it, he blows his nose into your food! Nas-ty.


3. Auto Marker Board: I realize that being a teacher automatically predisposes me to this gift. However, I cannot ever think of a time I was driving down the road and thought to myself "Man, a white board and some markers would be really handy right now." Try a GPS or something. Simple-ton.


2. Unicorn Computer Monitor Topper: Who needs a unicorn on the top of their monitor? I don't even start to get it. It reminds me of the creepy 2nd grade recluse girl who was obsessed with unicorns. The only thing that is different now is that she has a job instead of being at school. Igno-ramus



And NOW...the worst gift ever!

1. Uncle Oinker's Bacon Flavored Mints: When was the last time your breath smelled so bad that you popped a mint into your mouth to make it smell like bacon. How bad is your breath that dead pigs smell better? Gro-ss.


Happy festive holidays!

greekspeedoman

How Bambi's Dad died and why I'm a total loser.

Daily, I read the news from a variety of sources from around the world (and in a few languages to boot). However, there are few stories which I believe are worth noting in a blog. Most are notable for history's sake or for comic relief (these I share with my students) but few inspire me to become a better person. From time to time, there is a story which is inspirational to the point that I simply contemplate how lame my life is. The latest story inspires all those traits that make a man a man. The raw grit, the testosterone-pumping, sweaty muscles, mustache wearing, and champion of bodily functions...this is MAN. I, of course, am referring to one Greg Vincent of Trumann, Arkansas who, last week, killed a deer with his bare hands.

Greg took his 13 year old son and his nephew on a hunting trip. While walking around they were stopped by a six point buck which blocked their path. Greg pulled out his knife as a joke (killing animals is a joke for boys). The buck, who didn't like the joke, started snorting and pawing the ground. It charged and Greg grabbed it by one of its antlers. He then swung past its daggers of death and plunged the knife into the side of the deer while gripping its neck.

The animal continued to fight and took Greg into a stream bed. The knife fell from Greg's hand and one of the boys got it back to their dad (who was still WWF wrestling the buck). Greg then plunged the knife into the deer's neck and jerked as hard as he could to try to rip some vital arteries.

This is one of my favorite lines in the story so I must quote it: "The deer continued to struggle but was growing weaker. Vincent, who was a competitive weightlifter in high school, was tiring, too."

I love that line. It is as if competitive weightlifters can bring in the smack down on deer. I just imagine some washed up high school jock who still lives in the past running out into the woods to take on a deer after reading this story. Oh the humanity.

All in all this story is inspirational to me because it really makes me think that no man is really a MAN until he has killed a deer with his bare hands. Let's face it, most of us would run the other way screaming like little children. WAIT! The little children in this story are there to help take this deer down. They also have more guts than most of the men on this earth.

As a social experiment, I would like to let a deer loose in The Gap or at a Starbucks just to see how the men reacted. It would be total pandemonium as chairs few in all directions, antlers sent CD racks flying, and a bunch of thin men in gray tight pants and blue dress shirts went running for the door.

And then I would arrive and flex my muscles inside my spandex suit, stare down the deer and, merely by looking at it in a fierce and intense way, cause its body to explode (because, let's face it, that is the only thing that can be any cooler than what Greg Vincent did).

So, now you know how Bambi's dad died. It was me...but don't tell anyone. Actually, the only thing I could do with a story like this is make a graphic of a road sign with a little karate guy kicking a deer in the back of the head. How lame is that?

Until next time, greekspeedoman.

Some really fresh guys called Falling UP

Last night, the Mrs. and I attended a concert for Falling Up. If you have eagerly read my blogs (which are not posted often and poor in quality), you'll have noticed my review of their then new album. Now they have a new one.

Also a band from a previous post, Seven Years Absence opened for falling up. This is a nice resume moment for them. For me, it is like watching my child become fully mature from the times we recorded in my studio to opening for falling up (or whatever other emotional stuff you want to put here). It was a good show.

Here is a run-down of the concert. There were 4 bands (Seven Years Absence, The Renewing, We as Human, and Falling Up). Almost everyone there was 1/2 my age and looked prepubescent. Little boys with their wispy chin hairs and girls with their cell phones and giggles. So the wife and I went up into the balcony and sat up there. It was also an ideal spot to shoot photos for the evening's bands.

Seven Years Absence: A solid set of songs. I like the new material - 3rd song especially. Apparently, SYA is recording that song today (at least when I spoke with Nick this morning). They have tightened up their stuff. A new drum set has made their sound fuller. I especially like the kick drum. All in all, a nice set of songs and well done for being spread out across a large stage. In my opinion, SYA had a lot more going on than the second band. SYA should have been the second act.

The Renewing: if there music were to ever grace the shelf of your library, I can garantee that there would be no renewing of their material. It was really bad. The singer was flat, the guitar muddy and out of tune. It was like watching a 17 year old play guitar in front of people because he is the concert hall's son or something (OH wait, I think that is actually what the Renewing is...how silly of me). I cannot say enough bad things about them. Stage presence was lousy, too much aimless talking between songs, it just made me want to go get a warm beverage and wait for them to finish (which we did).

We as Human: This is a band that has strong potential to get signed to a label. They were a nice change from the teenage embarrassment of The renewing. Their first song took me by surprise because they have excellent stage presence. It was also much louder and filled with gritty screaming. Overall, their set was alright. The last song seemed to showcase the band's potential the most. The most distracting element of their set was some guy who was running around on stage with a little digital camera shooting close-ups of the band. To me, that was unprofessional and very distracting. I actually shot several pictures of him as he wallowed on the floor in front of the lead singer. In short, We as Human needed one fewer humans.

Falling Up: A spectacular show. They outdid themselves with this concert. I am always leary of seeing bands in concert (especially those who's recorded work is good) because I fear that they'll be lousy live. Falling Up in concert makes their albums look thin and transparent. They outdo their recorded work. The Lead singer's sustain and tone of his voice are awe inspiring. The drummer's hair ads and element of fun to some spectacular musicianship. The guitarist's take on music is refreshing in that it seems his goal is to add to the music rather than be the guitar god. An excellent set. They are also some pretty down to earth and nice guys.



Aside from finding a boa constrictor in my printer at work (I am not making this up), these are the most recent adventures of the GSM.

When my moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie...that's Amore!

The Mrs. and I just returned from our summer holiday and 5th wedding anniversary (which is why I haven't blogged recently). We spent 2 days in Missoula, MT and then 7 in Sun Valley, ID. It was good times and fun. It is nice to be married 5 years to my lovely wife and to celebrate this little milestone with a vacation. A few noteworthy items from our trip are as follows.

1. We met someone who is almost famous.
2. We met someone who is famous.
3. I almost died.
4. I accidentally mooned someone.

1. We met someone who is almost famous. Sun Valley is a resort town with miles of biking trails, snow skiing galore, and really really expensive and boring shopping. It is a fun place to hang out. It is historically known as one of the favorite places for the Kennedy family and Arnold Schwarzenegger to vacation as well as Warren Miller, tons of ice skaters, musicians, writers and other famous people (like me).

On one particular evening we were hanging out by the swan pond and struck up a conversation with a few people near by us. The woman we talked with the most is George Nethercutt's sister. This is why I say we met someone who is almost famous. I know George Nethercutt (R) of Washington state and long time friend of the city of Spokane. However, I did not know that he had a sister (although it isn't too much of a stretch to think that his parents wanted more than one child). This whole meeting was fun but rather anti-climatic. To say you met someone almost famous is like saying "I almost got hit by a car". There really isn't much story to tell. No one will ask for a book deal or the rights to make a TV mini series because nothing of consequence really happened. Yet, it seems to be human nature to pass on these exciting tid bits of non information (and who am I to break with human nature).

2. We met someone who is famous. On one of our numerous bike rides, we were cruising along when we pedaled around a corner in the bike path and saw a man and his dog walking. He gave a quiet command and his beautiful dog obediently sat and waited for us to pass. As I got closer to this man, I noticed that he was probably 40 years old but dressed like he is 18. Therefore, using my wife's excellent deductive reasoning, he must be in a band. In fact, I know he is in a band. I recognized one of the tattoos on his arm and then when I saw his face I had no doubt. We met Chad Smith (drummer for the Red Hot Chili Peppers) walking his dog on the trail. I had one of those overwhelming urges to turn my bike around and go chat with him but he looked like he was at peace and I didn't want to disturb him. Also, I was wearing my spandex triatholon bike shorts (which leave little to the imagination) and didn't think I could have a normal conversation with the man in my compressed-flesh outfit. It wasn't until 5 minuites later (when my brain returned to my body) that I remembered that he is the member of a band which wears only a strategically placed tube sock on stage. I have nothing to be embarrassed about in my spandex (seriously, I am a hot chunk of man chicken who can stop traffic with a single flex).

3. I almost died. There is a hill that goes through a neighboring community that is steep. This of course is the ideal place to ride a bicycle at top speed. I rode this hill several times throughout the week and averaged 37MPH on my plunge to the bottom. However, on our last ride of the week, I wanted to see what would happen if I really got after my bike and pushed myself. The picture tells all. It isn't the fastest I've ever gone on a bicycle (52mph) but it is the fastest I have gone over an unseen manhole cover that was sunk 3 inches into the road. Yes, I almost donated my organs to science but luckily, at my pace, the bicycle hit the edge of the hole in the road and took to the air. I probably landed 30 feet further down the road and continued pedaling for a new land speed record. How would I describe the feeling? Let's just say that I almost did something involuntary and messy. It was fun...although a little anticlimactic.

4. I accidentally mooned someone. At an intersection of the bike path and a road, I paused my pedaling to allow an SUV pass. The driver of the SUV waved me through the intersection. I quickly stood up on my rolling bicycle to clip my feet into the pedals. When I did this, the horn of my bicycle seat caught the back of my Spandex triathlon shorts and pulled them down as I scooted back onto the seat. There was a pedestrian behind me. I don't know anything about the person behind me because I simply stood up, pulled my pants up, and rode off without looking back. I think I know the pedestrian's thoughts though.

"Oh my sweet Moses, that is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. I'll bet you could park a bicycle in that."

I, of course, edited out all of the pedestrian's swearing and spontaneous vomiting. As well as the searing sound when their retinas were burned out of existence. I guess that is what happens when you encounter such physical greatness. "Chiseled" is probably the best adjective to describe this entire event.

until next time....

greekSPANDEXman

Failure

Some friends of ours had their first child today. He is a beautiful little guy and the parents are fascinated by him. We waited for months and hours through the labor process and out comes this little healthy chap. It is amazing to think about the potential that can be found within a small child. This is why parenting is so vital for the success of society. As a teacher, I can literally point to the students in my classroom who have had conscientious parents, no parents, or too restrictive parents. The problem is knowing how much responsibility to give a child while remaining a relevant guiding force in that child's life. Most important is allowing our children to fail in a safe environment.

I often learn more about people when they fail than when they are successful. The student who threatens to call his/her parents when they receive an undesirable grade (even though they won't take responsibility for it AND I am not intimidated by any parent). Or blaming your hurtful racial comments on society rather than taking credit for them yourself. We have a choice when we fail: "Cringe in embarrassment, or wear failure as a noble scar" (Forbes 2007).

I think of Dante Alighieri who started out being betrayed, exiled, defaced, and financially ruined when his house was burned. Yet, years later he finished his hellish work "Inferno". Despite all of his failures, he is remembered for his literary contribution and for creatively putting his rivals into his book and, in his book, into hell. What about Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni? He was badgered by a cardinal in the catholic church for years and when his last work in the Sistine Chapel was revealed, that cardinal was in his painting shown being pulled into hell by demons.

F. Scott Fitzgerald is an American icon for 20th century literature. Yet, I dare say that he didn't think of success when he died at the age of 44, penniless, an alcoholic, and with all of his books out of print (at the time).

It is a matter of perspective. Dante begins his book with "Midway on our life's journey, I found myself in dark woods, the right road lost...." There is a long scary journey through the nine circles of hell but eventually Dante comes out alright at the end of his book. I hope that life for our little ones can be the same.

Taking the Challenge: Irony

In my previous post, I ripped on Alanis Morrisette's 1990's radio hit "Isn't It Ironic". dr spartacus requested that I rewrite the lyrics of her song (most of which I argued were not ironic) so that they actually were ironic. Here is dr spartacus's request:

"Request:
I would like the Greek Speedoman to re-write the words of this classic '90's hit so that the situations of each line remains basically the same (knives vs. spoons, etc.), but are actually ironic."

SO, I thought I would take the challenge. As stated in my previous blog, I believe one of her statements is actually ironic (a man afraid of flying who dies his first time on a plane).

The original lyric will be featured in Blue and my comments/additions will be in green. I have made no attempt at keeping the rhythm and pace of the song the same. I am simply concerned with attempting to make these statements ACTUALLY ironic.

1. An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day when he realized how much money he had won.

2. It's a black fly in your Chardonnay that you're drinking to celebrate killing off a plague of flies.

3.It's a death row pardon two minutes too late for someone who is guilty.

4. It's like rain on your wedding day and you're the wicked witch in the wizard of Oz.

5. It's a free ride when you've already paid but the free ride is from a serial killer.

6. Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
(I agree with this one. However, what would make it more ironic is if the man didn't know that he was in fact...Superman.)

7. A traffic jam when you're already late for a meeting about the efficiency of a city's road systems.

8. A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break and you're the Marlboro man.

9. It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife to open the packaging of your new knife.

10. It's meeting the man of my dreams -who is not attracted to you-
And then meeting his beautiful wife -who is attracted to you-

So there is my attempt at creating ACTUAL irony. This was a fun assignment. Let me know how I did.

Here are a few more lines that are not/somewhat ironic but are funny.

3.It's a death row pardon two minutes too late because of daylight savings time.
3.It's a death row pardon two minutes too late because the messenger was murdered.
4. It's like rain on your wedding day and you're a weather man.
1. An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day when he was defending himself from his greedy children.
1. An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day leaving his fortune to Anna Nichole Smith.
5. It's a free ride when you've already paid for a ride on the Titanic.
5. It's a free ride when you've already paid for a ride in Paris Hilton's car.
It's the good advice you just didn't take because you're Dr. Phil.

Isn't it Ironic - Polling the People

Recently, I overheard a 1990's classic song from the "man-hater" Alanis Morrisette. It is entitled "Isn't it Ironic". I overheard the lyrics and was curious what the average person would think about them. Basically, my main objective was to determine whether or not Alanis had written a song on the topic of Irony.

My Testing Method:

Since I am a teacher, testing comes naturally to me and so I determined to do this in the most objective way. I asked 10 different people about each line (without telling them that it is from a 1990s radio hit-although some knew it was), which I chose, from "Isn't It Ironic". Then I collected their statements for my reader's personal enlightenment. Many of the responses are the same so I will only list the unique responses to a line of lyric. The lyric is in a blue font and my test subject's responses are in an orange font.

1. An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day

• "I'll be his grandchild"
• "Later Pops and thanks for the cash"
• "That Sucks"
  

2. It's a black fly in your Chardonnay

• "A fly might help chardonnay...I hate chardonnay"
• "Gross"
• Most people simply laughed at this one as if mocking the unfortunate soul.
  

3.It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic...don't cha think

• "That Sucks"
• "How Sad...think of his mother..."

4. It's like rain on your wedding day

• "Oh, how awful"
• "I had rain on my wedding day"
• "aaaahaaaa"
• "That would suck"
  

5. It's a free ride when you've already paid

• "oh crap"
• "That sucks"
• "I'd just ask for my money back...what's wrong with that?"
  

6. Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
And isn't it ironic...dontcha think

• "At least he kissed his kids goodbye."
• "I'd like to die really fast like that."
• "Was this guy at terrorist?"
• "That Sucks."
  

7. A traffic jam when you're already late

• "I hate that."
• "What is with that? There is always some little old woman in a piece of crap car in front of me!"
• "Murphy's law gets me all of the time"
• "That just pisses me right off."
• "It makes me want to kill someone" (I backed slowly away from this person after their response)
  
• "That really sucks."
  

8. A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break

• "Aren't smokers like cursed or something?"
• "I don't know. I don't get cigarette breaks because I don't smoke."
• "Burn the sign too!"
• "Smokers are so gross I'm glad you can't smoke much anymore."
• "Just shoot yourself. It's faster and we don't have to listen to you."

9. It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

• "Sharpen the spoon."
• "Who has 10,000 spoons? are they Heroine addicts?"
• "Use the handle. That way you have both 10,000 spoons and 10,000 knives"
  

10. It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...dontcha think
A little too ironic...and yeah I really do think...

• "That sucks. Why are they always married?"
• "I really wouldn't know. My wife probably wouldn't approve."
• "That happened to me. He was really cute too. That really sucks."
• "That sucks"

So, there you have it. I was surprised to find how many people thought that those things just suck. Not a single person told me that they thought they were ironic. Perhaps my test subjects have no literary background or, like me, think that this song is simply stupid. I tend to agree with the general outcome of my study. None of Alanis Morrisette's "ironic" statements seem to be ironic (except for the guy who dies in the plan crash). I must agree that most of those things simply...SUCK.

I an now confidently state that I think that the lyrics of "Isn't It Ironic" suck. I also don't care much for the music behind the lyrics and think it sucks too! So, in my critical objective opinion, "Isn't It Ironic" simply SUCKS.

Of course, what IS ironic about this song is that it is supposed to be about irony but fails to describe it.

Satan Airways

One of my students was telling me about a bad vacation his family recently took and it got me thinking about one of ours which I will now share with you.

We flew to Greece so I could study more of the Greek language. We lived there for a number of months and I learned some but realized that I was already decent at the language. On our flight to Athens we encountered the most demonic and evil flight attendant crew I have ever met. Since meeting these Greek women, I have taken to shouting at my students in Greek -which they don't understand- just to see the terror in their eyes (I do this jokingly of course...). I usually say something like "Your refrigerator is very cold" but in a really angry tone of voice...the same tone of voice that our flight attendants used on us.

I wish that I had known that the flight attendants we flew with were rigorously trained to hate everyone and treat everyone -even each other- like the most vile lump of flesh on the planet. They physically accosted me and pushed me back to my seat when I tried to get up to use the toilet (and the seatbelt light was off). They gave us soul damning looks when we got up to get our books out of our carry on luggage. I jokingly suggested to my wife that they change their pre-flight protocol to let passengers know that, instead of flying somewhere, they had just entered the seventh layer of hell.

Here is what I suggest for their new safety speech before their flights:

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for flying Satan airways flight 666 from New York to Athens. We hope you enjoy us hating you for the next 18 hours. This is a non-stop flight which means you will be tormented the entire way. Before we take off, we must subject our employees to violent verbal and physical abuse so they can serve us better. We also need to tell you about the safety features of this aircraft.

1. There are six emergency exits: two in the front, two in the middle, and two at the rear of the airplane. These do not include the big exit that will be made upon impact.
2. This is a no smoking flight. Anyone caught smoking on this flight will be escorted out of the aircraft for our in-flight movie: Gone With The Wind.
3. If you take off your seat belt at any time during this flight, a little alarm will go off in our employee's heads and they will attack you as if you were a disease infested weasel. Please cooperate and do not duck. As our employees will be trying to pummel your head into a non-descriptive pink mass.
   
4. If the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling panel above your head. To use the oxygen mask, stop screaming and put it over your mouth and nose. Give the little hose a tug and breath normally -as we plummet to the earth. If you are traveling with a child, put the child's mask on first and then your own. If you are traveling with two children, decide which of the two children you love the most.
5. In the event of a water landing -we prefer the word "landing" as opposed to "crash"- your seat will act as a flotation device...at least until the sharks come. Then it will act as a bobber. To defend yourself against a shark attack, punch the shark smartly in the nose. If that doesn't work, poke it in the eye with your stub.

Thank-you once again for flying Satan airways flight 666 from New York to Athens. We hope you have a dreadful flight.

Operation Wal-mart Freedom

Recently, I was shopping at the only department mega store that is so large that it could have its own climate. Yes, I was at Wal-Mart (motto: We'll take your money and then your soul). I was there for the same reasons many Americans shop there. It is cheap (a nice perception but not always the truth) and everything can be found under one roof (again a nice perception). So I purchased a case of 10W-30 motor oil. Then I gleefully left to cleanse the engine of my auto. On my 45 min commute back to the house, I needed gasoline. So I stopped at the local fueling station only to find a news truck and a note-toting reporter preparing for a broadcast.

I find it interesting how the local news approaches the topic of auto fuel. There is always some jovial character anchoring the news and they talk (via satellite) to an on-site reporter who is strategically positioned in front of a sign advertising the prices per gallon. This humors me because Americans are almost as dependent on gasoline as we are on blood in our veins, water in our bodies, and Wal-Mart on our streets. We see these pumps ALL OF THE TIME, we know the prices! But that fact does not deter the mindless reporter who continues the monologue about all of this grievances people have over gasoline prices because of the war. What the reporter fails to note is, unlike wars of the past, we are not rationing our resources. Where are the liberty gardens of WWII? Where are the lines of vehicles for fuel rations during Vietnam?

This past week the US congress met to discuss a new budget for the war in Iraq. They substantially slashed Bush's requested budget (for the Iraqi war) to a tidy $609 bil for the next two fiscal years. This really sounds like a lot of money (my history students marveled at that sum of money). Yet, this price tag accounts for only about 1% of the national budget. By the end of the year 2007 we will have officially made the second conflict with Iraq the most expensive war the United States has ever been involved in (even greater than that of WWII). When we can wage the most expensive war in all history and only notice a few cents of difference at the store, we are loaded. Lesson to learn: America is richer than it has ever been. During WWII 35% of the national budget was consumed by war efforts. Rations were common, people were encouraged to grow gardens, and excess was having a little change in your pocket at the end of the day. How different it is in our contemporary times.

As a point of interest, I looked up the projected gross profits for Wal-Mart for the 2007-08 fiscal year. As it turns out, Wal-Mart's estimated gross profits are double what the United States has set aside to fight the war in Iraq. Accountants will tell you to look at a person's budget and spending habits and you can then learn a person's priorities. So where are America's priorities? Why?

Think about it! Wal-mart could take over a foreign country. Its troops (armed with laser scanners and clipboards) would march into combat with the customer service skills that fit their extensive customer service training (daily beatings with rubber hoses and verbal abuse). These blue-vested geriatrics & teens would flash their name tags and ruthlessly ignore the enemy until they simply give up and go to Shopko. That is what Wal-mart could do to another country. It is a grizzly scene. I know this scene because Wal-mart HAS decided to take over a country -its own.

Until it succeeds though, I hope that the men and women of the world -who daily put their lives on the line- don't mind if I ignore their sacrifice and instead choose to complain about the extra 30 cents I have to pay at the pump.

Old People

Yes, it is alumni weekend at the high school. Old people come and wander around to look at how things have changed and to see if their favorite make-out spot is still available (probably occupied by current students). It is 9 years for me and next year I plan to drive my fantastic car and wear my amazing clothes to make everyone think I am super fly (or whatever these teens say now days). Isn't that what it is all about? Look at how spectacular I am, I bought a red Ford.

There is nothing quite as comforting as growing older. I am glad those pimple inducing, relationship drama, backstabbing years of teenage hood are gone (actually for some it is only the pimples that have changed). When I look back on my high school years, I realize how retarded we all were in our flannel "Nirvana-style" shirts. At least I thought that until I read this week that Courtney Love is finally selling Kurt Cobain's stuff at auction. She says that she still sleeps in his pajamas (now that is really lame). The only Teen Spirit that is left is their son, who has to be messed up - just look at his mother's life and father's death.

The teens of today have more technology at their fingertips than we ever did. Cell phones actually fit in your pocket now...and get pretty good coverage (much to the frustration of many teachers). Today's teenager thinks that dial-up internet connections are contemporaries with feudalism and the invention of the wheel. Hasn't the internet ALWAYS existed? Exercise is laughable when compared to the thrill gained through gaming and chatting. Maybe this is why education in america is hummoraging.

The Gates Foundation just opened a new "smart school" (which at the rate of change in technology will soon be a "stupid school") in an inner part of LA. The idea is refreshing to this teacher. All classrooms are paper free. Class moves around the facility, depending on what the teacher wants to accomplish, and all class times and meeting places are posted on the school's intra net. Much of the material students will be involved with will LITERALLY involve them physically, mentally, and socially. Gaming companies are writing software to teach students while they play (of course 1st person shooters at school is taboo). I guess what I am saying is that it is time for change. To think that pure lecture and current assessment methods is the best way to teach is blind and ignorant to the network effect the modern student (or terrorist) has available to them.

Unfortunately, many of the teachers who I discuss this with in Spokane are resistant to this change because it would mean more education classes (why bother when you're getting paid less than someone who works at McDonald's 5 days a week...Seriously where are our priorities). Also, many old timers are not nearly as adept at technology as their students and it is simply embarrassing. So we stick with the same old methods of teaching and our students grow up with little interest in self improvement because it isn't relevant.

This is something to think about when wandering your old snogging points at your high school reunion. If the trees are bigger, the buildings different, and the kids look different...then times have changed and so must we.

Bits and Pieces

To my faithful readers (meaning just myself because it has been forever since my last post)...

The past few months have found me in various states of repair because chaos has decided to take over life. The short version is that I now have no appendix, missed 4.5 weeks of work due to further illness, and really hate fresh dog droppings on my dress shirts. So now I am one dress shirt fewer, have a 5 inch scar (which is totally brutal from my 10 staples!), and am thankful every time I can stand without the world spinning faster than it should (Scientists say: "about 1,038 miles per hour").

The New puppy is super cute and is basically potty trained. She is more mellow than Zoe. I hope to make a Star Wars shot with her as I did with Zoe in my March of 2006 with Zoe Wars (oh, and my Darth Vader suit has improved since then).

My recent bit of excitement comes in the form of a helmet and a coin (soon to be accompanied by more artifacts). My history students connect with history better if they can hold it in their hands so my collection of Confederate Money, Nazi money, etc. has slowly been growing. My most recent purchase is an M1 infantryman's helmet from Vietnam. It is the same style used during WWII (Band of Brothers etc.) but was much cheaper than one used in WWII. I haven't done all of the research on it yet but what I have found on the helmet so far is that it was in Vietnam by an army infantryman from '69 to '70 used by one of 5 different people (who I am currently trying to track down to see if I can identify which person was the one who owned the helmet).

It has a double shell with the outer one being steel and the inner fiberglass. The double shell design saved many people because a bullet would pass through the steel but get trapped between the fiberglass and steel. Therefore, saving a man's life. Of course a direct hit was usually fatal but the glancing bullet wouldn't hurt as much with this option.

SO enough nerding for now! Cheers to all my readers (...just me when I'm bored).

greekspeedoman