Person # 1: "You would not believe the amazing deal I got on this chair/iPod speaker"
Person # 2: "Really? I wanted that chair/iPod speaker for my daughter. She would use it all the time. Instead, I got her a shower radio that she can plug her iPod into."
Person # 1: "Really? She'll love that. There is nothing like dancing to your favorite tunes on a slippery surface next to a door made of glass."
If you are tempted to shop for me this season, I do not own an iPod and want nothing iPod related. Here is the rest of my Christmas anti-gift list (If I receive any of these things from you, you are my mortal enemy. I will fight you like a dough nut loving ninja would fight Homer Simpson for the last sprinkle on a dough nut).
10. Librarian Action Figure - It does nothing...ever. It comes with a book that you read while it stares at you and reminds you (via non-verbal cues) to be quiet. Re-tarded.
9. Baby hot dog outfit: Seriously, who would ever dress their child up in a hot dog outfit. No one, ever, says "Hey, my kid would look great as a bratwurst nestled between two buns!" Stu-pid.
8. Rosie Paper: I don't like the idea of Rosie O'donnel living on the same continent as me just because that increases the chances that we could run in to each other somewhere. Why would I want her near my intimates? Cre-epy.
7. Inflatable Moose Head: Go Kill your own. It won't look nearly as stupid. Besides, nothing says mountain cabin like a pool toy taped to the wall. La-me-o.
6. Singing lump of coal: This is an absolutely stupid gift. The point of coal is that it is a punishment and not a gift. To give coal as a gift breaks code 1031-b of the Christmas code. Oh, and really, who would think it is funny? A Nit-wit.
5. Lame T-shirt: This shirt says it all "Hello, I am Lame". But at least it doesn't lie. Kudos for being honest! Nin-ny.
4. Peter Petrie Egg Separator: This is simply foul. When you put an egg into it, he blows his nose into your food! Nas-ty.
3. Auto Marker Board: I realize that being a teacher automatically predisposes me to this gift. However, I cannot ever think of a time I was driving down the road and thought to myself "Man, a white board and some markers would be really handy right now." Try a GPS or something. Simple-ton.
2. Unicorn Computer Monitor Topper: Who needs a unicorn on the top of their monitor? I don't even start to get it. It reminds me of the creepy 2nd grade recluse girl who was obsessed with unicorns. The only thing that is different now is that she has a job instead of being at school. Igno-ramus
And NOW...the worst gift ever!
1. Uncle Oinker's Bacon Flavored Mints: When was the last time your breath smelled so bad that you popped a mint into your mouth to make it smell like bacon. How bad is your breath that dead pigs smell better? Gro-ss.
Happy festive holidays!
greekspeedoman