Satan Airways

One of my students was telling me about a bad vacation his family recently took and it got me thinking about one of ours which I will now share with you.

We flew to Greece so I could study more of the Greek language. We lived there for a number of months and I learned some but realized that I was already decent at the language. On our flight to Athens we encountered the most demonic and evil flight attendant crew I have ever met. Since meeting these Greek women, I have taken to shouting at my students in Greek -which they don't understand- just to see the terror in their eyes (I do this jokingly of course...). I usually say something like "Your refrigerator is very cold" but in a really angry tone of voice...the same tone of voice that our flight attendants used on us.

I wish that I had known that the flight attendants we flew with were rigorously trained to hate everyone and treat everyone -even each other- like the most vile lump of flesh on the planet. They physically accosted me and pushed me back to my seat when I tried to get up to use the toilet (and the seatbelt light was off). They gave us soul damning looks when we got up to get our books out of our carry on luggage. I jokingly suggested to my wife that they change their pre-flight protocol to let passengers know that, instead of flying somewhere, they had just entered the seventh layer of hell.

Here is what I suggest for their new safety speech before their flights:

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for flying Satan airways flight 666 from New York to Athens. We hope you enjoy us hating you for the next 18 hours. This is a non-stop flight which means you will be tormented the entire way. Before we take off, we must subject our employees to violent verbal and physical abuse so they can serve us better. We also need to tell you about the safety features of this aircraft.

1. There are six emergency exits: two in the front, two in the middle, and two at the rear of the airplane. These do not include the big exit that will be made upon impact.
2. This is a no smoking flight. Anyone caught smoking on this flight will be escorted out of the aircraft for our in-flight movie: Gone With The Wind.
3. If you take off your seat belt at any time during this flight, a little alarm will go off in our employee's heads and they will attack you as if you were a disease infested weasel. Please cooperate and do not duck. As our employees will be trying to pummel your head into a non-descriptive pink mass.
   
4. If the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling panel above your head. To use the oxygen mask, stop screaming and put it over your mouth and nose. Give the little hose a tug and breath normally -as we plummet to the earth. If you are traveling with a child, put the child's mask on first and then your own. If you are traveling with two children, decide which of the two children you love the most.
5. In the event of a water landing -we prefer the word "landing" as opposed to "crash"- your seat will act as a flotation device...at least until the sharks come. Then it will act as a bobber. To defend yourself against a shark attack, punch the shark smartly in the nose. If that doesn't work, poke it in the eye with your stub.

Thank-you once again for flying Satan airways flight 666 from New York to Athens. We hope you have a dreadful flight.

Operation Wal-mart Freedom

Recently, I was shopping at the only department mega store that is so large that it could have its own climate. Yes, I was at Wal-Mart (motto: We'll take your money and then your soul). I was there for the same reasons many Americans shop there. It is cheap (a nice perception but not always the truth) and everything can be found under one roof (again a nice perception). So I purchased a case of 10W-30 motor oil. Then I gleefully left to cleanse the engine of my auto. On my 45 min commute back to the house, I needed gasoline. So I stopped at the local fueling station only to find a news truck and a note-toting reporter preparing for a broadcast.

I find it interesting how the local news approaches the topic of auto fuel. There is always some jovial character anchoring the news and they talk (via satellite) to an on-site reporter who is strategically positioned in front of a sign advertising the prices per gallon. This humors me because Americans are almost as dependent on gasoline as we are on blood in our veins, water in our bodies, and Wal-Mart on our streets. We see these pumps ALL OF THE TIME, we know the prices! But that fact does not deter the mindless reporter who continues the monologue about all of this grievances people have over gasoline prices because of the war. What the reporter fails to note is, unlike wars of the past, we are not rationing our resources. Where are the liberty gardens of WWII? Where are the lines of vehicles for fuel rations during Vietnam?

This past week the US congress met to discuss a new budget for the war in Iraq. They substantially slashed Bush's requested budget (for the Iraqi war) to a tidy $609 bil for the next two fiscal years. This really sounds like a lot of money (my history students marveled at that sum of money). Yet, this price tag accounts for only about 1% of the national budget. By the end of the year 2007 we will have officially made the second conflict with Iraq the most expensive war the United States has ever been involved in (even greater than that of WWII). When we can wage the most expensive war in all history and only notice a few cents of difference at the store, we are loaded. Lesson to learn: America is richer than it has ever been. During WWII 35% of the national budget was consumed by war efforts. Rations were common, people were encouraged to grow gardens, and excess was having a little change in your pocket at the end of the day. How different it is in our contemporary times.

As a point of interest, I looked up the projected gross profits for Wal-Mart for the 2007-08 fiscal year. As it turns out, Wal-Mart's estimated gross profits are double what the United States has set aside to fight the war in Iraq. Accountants will tell you to look at a person's budget and spending habits and you can then learn a person's priorities. So where are America's priorities? Why?

Think about it! Wal-mart could take over a foreign country. Its troops (armed with laser scanners and clipboards) would march into combat with the customer service skills that fit their extensive customer service training (daily beatings with rubber hoses and verbal abuse). These blue-vested geriatrics & teens would flash their name tags and ruthlessly ignore the enemy until they simply give up and go to Shopko. That is what Wal-mart could do to another country. It is a grizzly scene. I know this scene because Wal-mart HAS decided to take over a country -its own.

Until it succeeds though, I hope that the men and women of the world -who daily put their lives on the line- don't mind if I ignore their sacrifice and instead choose to complain about the extra 30 cents I have to pay at the pump.

Old People

Yes, it is alumni weekend at the high school. Old people come and wander around to look at how things have changed and to see if their favorite make-out spot is still available (probably occupied by current students). It is 9 years for me and next year I plan to drive my fantastic car and wear my amazing clothes to make everyone think I am super fly (or whatever these teens say now days). Isn't that what it is all about? Look at how spectacular I am, I bought a red Ford.

There is nothing quite as comforting as growing older. I am glad those pimple inducing, relationship drama, backstabbing years of teenage hood are gone (actually for some it is only the pimples that have changed). When I look back on my high school years, I realize how retarded we all were in our flannel "Nirvana-style" shirts. At least I thought that until I read this week that Courtney Love is finally selling Kurt Cobain's stuff at auction. She says that she still sleeps in his pajamas (now that is really lame). The only Teen Spirit that is left is their son, who has to be messed up - just look at his mother's life and father's death.

The teens of today have more technology at their fingertips than we ever did. Cell phones actually fit in your pocket now...and get pretty good coverage (much to the frustration of many teachers). Today's teenager thinks that dial-up internet connections are contemporaries with feudalism and the invention of the wheel. Hasn't the internet ALWAYS existed? Exercise is laughable when compared to the thrill gained through gaming and chatting. Maybe this is why education in america is hummoraging.

The Gates Foundation just opened a new "smart school" (which at the rate of change in technology will soon be a "stupid school") in an inner part of LA. The idea is refreshing to this teacher. All classrooms are paper free. Class moves around the facility, depending on what the teacher wants to accomplish, and all class times and meeting places are posted on the school's intra net. Much of the material students will be involved with will LITERALLY involve them physically, mentally, and socially. Gaming companies are writing software to teach students while they play (of course 1st person shooters at school is taboo). I guess what I am saying is that it is time for change. To think that pure lecture and current assessment methods is the best way to teach is blind and ignorant to the network effect the modern student (or terrorist) has available to them.

Unfortunately, many of the teachers who I discuss this with in Spokane are resistant to this change because it would mean more education classes (why bother when you're getting paid less than someone who works at McDonald's 5 days a week...Seriously where are our priorities). Also, many old timers are not nearly as adept at technology as their students and it is simply embarrassing. So we stick with the same old methods of teaching and our students grow up with little interest in self improvement because it isn't relevant.

This is something to think about when wandering your old snogging points at your high school reunion. If the trees are bigger, the buildings different, and the kids look different...then times have changed and so must we.