greekspeedoman

Oh Poop

2008-07-23T09:15:00.000-07:00

I don't know if this is real or not but it is funny. Of course it is from the internet (95% of which is not reliable information). But it is funny. Enjoy this supposedly real sign from Canada.

You may need to click on it to see it large enough.

Until next time...gsm

jPod

2008-07-16T21:38:00.001-07:00

My latest project is the jPod. Check it out at jPodbuild.wordpress.com
It rocks and it may be my way of living with a wheat allergy while living in a wheat field.

Until next time, gsm

No I don't live in my Parent's Basement

2008-06-26T12:50:00.000-07:00

I live in my own basement. This made me smile. Pretty good beat too!

Naked and Famous

2008-06-07T17:15:00.000-07:00

Many of my students graduate tomorrow. Another year of teaching done…another dull ache as I watch them leave. Many of these students I have taught for a few years. In fact, this year is the year when I broke the “over-1,000” student mark. I don’t really care one way or the other. I just hope they are better after being in my classroom. As I was thinking about their education in my classroom, I couldn’t help think of…THE NEWS.

I read a study which was done on teens and their involvement in national politics. The result of the study was that most of the news that teens are exposed to comes from “The Daily Show” and “Saturday Night Live”. Both are satirical news broadcasts that mix humor and facts. Thus, I became determined to bring news to my classroom.

Every day in my history classes, I start class by telling everyone what is going on in the news. We look at politics (quite a bit this year), economics, and other news worthy items. To mix things up, I include real news events that are completely insane little stories. It makes it fun for all of us and helps everyone realize that news occurs everyday. History is made everyday.

Every so often there is a news item that I dub “A Really Bad Day”. These stories are cherished by all.

From all of the crazy stories that have been out there this year, my absolute favorite is about a poor construction worker. FYI: I am NOT making this story up. It was in the news.

I don’t remember his name, or if it was even published, but let’s call him Ned.

Ned was driving a construction delivery van filled with lumber and other construction materials. There was also a healthy amount of wood on a rack on the top of the van. No one is sure what happened but at some point, Ned drove off of a highway in Pennsylvania going about 70 mph. At this point, it seems that Ned attempted to correct his vehicle but couldn’t before the front right corner of his van hit a large tree.

As far as the police could determine, the lumber and other supplies in the back of the van shifted forward violently and hit the back of Ned’s seat. Ned’s seat came out of the floor of the van and then shot, with Ned still in it, through the windshield. Simultaneously, the lumber on the top of the van shot forward violently and flew off of the top of the van. As it turned out, Ned flew through the windshield into the woods only to have a load of lumber land on him. That is a bad day. But it gets worse!

Ned was apparently unconscious for some time. When he came to, he wasn’t in his right mind. However, he did realize that he needed to assess his body for injury. In his altered state, it made sense to do this by getting naked. Naked Ned (now you know why I gave him the name Ned), found that he had a bone sticking out of his upper right thigh. What he didn’t know, is that he was naked in the middle of a patch of poison oak. No one had seen Ned’s accident and had come to help him so Ned decided to get help for himself. He made his way through the bushes (i.e. poison oak) and began hobbling down the highway to get help. Luckily, the police found Naked Ned on this highway and rushed him to the hospital. Ned had a few surgeries and was probably really ichy for several days. Luckily for him though, the police dropped the public nudity charges that they had filed against him.

Now that is a bad day.

After assessing that story, I’m not sure my students are better for being in my classroom but I hope they do realize that life could be much much worse. They could be sitting in traction. I think it is always good to start each day with a positive thought to carry with us as we go through the hours of the day (he he)

Until next time…gsm.

What a person grows up on is always cool

2008-04-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

There are many things in life that I will always love: Metal lunch boxes, Night Rider, the word "rad", The original Sony Walkman for cassette tapes, The original Mazda RX-7, the Lamborghini countach, Star Wars (the originals), a time when you had to get the chicken pox to be immune to them, and all of U2's albums up to the Joshua Tree album...and the Muppets.

I used to sit in a little kiddie rocking chair in front of the TV to watch the muppets in the first few years of the 1980s. I would become so taken with the show that I would confuse my snacks with my drink and reach into my cup of milk for some tasty treat. I have always loved the muppets and probably always will. That is why, I am so excited about a recent joint project put together by the Muppets and Weezer.

Check it out!

Oh man...I just stuck my hand into my tea and tried to drink some trail mix.

Until next time...gsm

Be A Hero and Help

2008-04-05T09:02:00.000-07:00

Here's some awesome news. My dad is riding his bicycle across the United States this summer to raise money for the American Lung Association.

The American Lung Association sponsors anti-smoking campaigns and treatment, air quality assessments, and family advice. American Lung is designed to help prevent lung cancer. My dad is riding in honor of several friends and family members who have died of cancer.

To qualify for this ride, my dad needs to raise $3,000 (at a minimum) for American Lung.

You can read more about his ride and donate by visiting his website http://darrellsbigride2008.wordpress.com/

All donations are tax deductible for the 2008-2009 tax year.

So be a hero and help the American Lung Association and sponsor my dad's big ride across the United States -and if you visit his website, you can see some rippin' photos I shot and edited.

later, greekspeedoman

The perks of being a teacher...

2008-03-15T10:14:00.000-07:00

One of the perks of being a teacher isn't' a company car (who would want to drive a yellow bus everywhere), isn't an amazing retirement plan, isn't an incredible wage, and isn't having to resolve conflict with students and parents. Often it comes in little ways. Student papers are a source of great wisdom at times and other times perfect for illustrating the pitfalls of spell and grammar check. These papers also demonstrate student understanding -or misunderstanding.

I was recently reminded of these when a colleague emailed several of his student blunders to me and some that are not his. Here is a segment of what he sent to me...

********************

George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength."

Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

***************

Those weren't from his classroom but they are entertaining. The example, below, is from my classroom 3 years ago.

***************

Public meetings were important in the American revolution. The angry merchants would meet in public where everyone could listen and watch their debates. Sometimes these public meetings took place on the front steps of important buildings. Both public and private gatherings inflamed the people against the British. The British tried to stop these public meetings because it was embarrassing to the king but this encouraged the colonists to meet publicly more often and in larger groups. Eventually this lead to war. We won the war and one of the reasons was the meetings –both private and public- which allowed people to express their ideas.

****************

Now there is nothing amazing about that paragraph (other than the historical inaccuracies). What was supremely entertaining about it, though, was the spelling. I have edited the above paragraph but the original student version didn't use the word "public". This student left the "L" out of "public". Now, reread the paragraph with your newfound understanding.

Funny, no? I see these little simple things as perks for a teacher. I may not get paid much or get to drive a big yellow bus to work but my life will be longer because of the laughter I occasionally get when I read student papers. I am also encouraged by the majority of papers I see that are quality work. It gives me hope for the future of our nation and educational systems. When these papers cross my desk it is usually a great time to talk about how we communicate and how to use technology to our advantage and not our embarrassment.

I have other student blunders posted on this blog on “December 19, 2006” “April 1, 2006”, & “April 13, 2006”.

Dreams vs. Reality

2008-02-20T11:09:00.000-08:00

Last summer I dreamed that I was a fighter pilot in WWII (too much reading for this history teacher). Then I awoke, in the lovely wheat -poison, for me- fields to hear a low flying prop plane flying overhead. I awoke with a start and started looking for a gun. Then I realized I was at home and the plane (50 ft above the house) does that from time to time because it is a crop duster.

As a teacher, I see thousands of people. I have taught thousands and contracted thousands of diseases (which is why I rarely get sick). It is interesting to see those things people aspire to but never quite get. It may be the Special Ed student who works their tail end off and only gets D's or the staff member who wants a new car but it just never seems to happen (especially on a teacher's wage). Yet, these people still aspire to attaining these things. Some call this perseverance, gumption, or stamina. It demands our attention and respect but there seems to be a point when our dreams are so incongruous with reality that we must give them up or play the fool for the remainder of our lives.

The high school football player who (at the age of 55) still lives in those days of glory.

The successful parent who thinks their kid is the smartest on the planet when they have severe disabilities that must be dealt with. Yet, the parent never gives up fighting what they know to be truth -their student is severely challenged.

With presidential candidates making promises and sweeping statements, I find it curious that some will drop out and seemingly give up within 24 hours. Then during the "decompression" which occurs afterwards, they support a former opponent. It is shockingly pragmatic. People admitting that they don't have a hope to become president (even if they may be the best candidate).

How would we be different if, individually, we were willing to admit fault or error so easily (or even recognize reality for what it is)? Would we give up on our dreams? Probably. But wouldn't that allow us to move on to other dreams that are more likely to occur? I think so -as long as we don't wallow in the failures of the past.

Are our dreams making us unhappy with our current lives? Then maybe it is time to store those dreams for another time or just drop them and enjoy life right now.

I don't know what has inspired my thoughts recently but I am assessing my plans for the future and wondering how many of my dreams are fantasy and how many reality. Let's face it, life NEVER goes the way we expect it to.

--until next time, gsm

Evidence that Dancing doesn't always lead to sex

2008-01-18T21:10:00.001-08:00

My Christmas Anti-gift list

2007-12-18T22:46:00.000-08:00

Christmas is a festive time of year. Actually a time of year that I typically dread (which has turned into its own festivity). People charge to and from stores with wrinkled and stressed expressions. Of all of the times of year everyone should be out driving it is NOT December. So there is your typical festive fender benders and festive fatalities. Children screaming, cell phones ringing, and a holiday rerun are all I ever have to look forward to. Also, the chatter about what an "amazing deal" I got on this item. Of course we spend hundreds of dollars to get these "amazing deals".

Person # 1: "You would not believe the amazing deal I got on this chair/iPod speaker"

Person # 2: "Really? I wanted that chair/iPod speaker for my daughter. She would use it all the time. Instead, I got her a shower radio that she can plug her iPod into."

Person # 1: "Really? She'll love that. There is nothing like dancing to your favorite tunes on a slippery surface next to a door made of glass."

If you are tempted to shop for me this season, I do not own an iPod and want nothing iPod related. Here is the rest of my Christmas anti-gift list (If I receive any of these things from you, you are my mortal enemy. I will fight you like a dough nut loving ninja would fight Homer Simpson for the last sprinkle on a dough nut).

10. Librarian Action Figure - It does nothing...ever. It comes with a book that you read while it stares at you and reminds you (via non-verbal cues) to be quiet. Re-tarded.

9. Baby hot dog outfit: Seriously, who would ever dress their child up in a hot dog outfit. No one, ever, says "Hey, my kid would look great as a bratwurst nestled between two buns!" Stu-pid.

8. Rosie Paper: I don't like the idea of Rosie O'donnel living on the same continent as me just because that increases the chances that we could run in to each other somewhere. Why would I want her near my intimates? Cre-epy.

7. Inflatable Moose Head: Go Kill your own. It won't look nearly as stupid. Besides, nothing says mountain cabin like a pool toy taped to the wall. La-me-o.

6. Singing lump of coal: This is an absolutely stupid gift. The point of coal is that it is a punishment and not a gift. To give coal as a gift breaks code 1031-b of the Christmas code. Oh, and really, who would think it is funny? A Nit-wit.

5. Lame T-shirt: This shirt says it all "Hello, I am Lame". But at least it doesn't lie. Kudos for being honest! Nin-ny.

4. Peter Petrie Egg Separator: This is simply foul. When you put an egg into it, he blows his nose into your food! Nas-ty.

3. Auto Marker Board: I realize that being a teacher automatically predisposes me to this gift. However, I cannot ever think of a time I was driving down the road and thought to myself "Man, a white board and some markers would be really handy right now." Try a GPS or something. Simple-ton.

2. Unicorn Computer Monitor Topper: Who needs a unicorn on the top of their monitor? I don't even start to get it. It reminds me of the creepy 2nd grade recluse girl who was obsessed with unicorns. The only thing that is different now is that she has a job instead of being at school. Igno-ramus

And NOW...the worst gift ever!

1. Uncle Oinker's Bacon Flavored Mints: When was the last time your breath smelled so bad that you popped a mint into your mouth to make it smell like bacon. How bad is your breath that dead pigs smell better? Gro-ss.

Happy festive holidays!

greekspeedoman

How Bambi's Dad died and why I'm a total loser.

2007-11-12T21:52:00.001-08:00

Daily, I read the news from a variety of sources from around the world (and in a few languages to boot). However, there are few stories which I believe are worth noting in a blog. Most are notable for history's sake or for comic relief (these I share with my students) but few inspire me to become a better person. From time to time, there is a story which is inspirational to the point that I simply contemplate how lame my life is. The latest story inspires all those traits that make a man a man. The raw grit, the testosterone-pumping, sweaty muscles, mustache wearing, and champion of bodily functions...this is MAN. I, of course, am referring to one Greg Vincent of Trumann, Arkansas who, last week, killed a deer with his bare hands.

Greg took his 13 year old son and his nephew on a hunting trip. While walking around they were stopped by a six point buck which blocked their path. Greg pulled out his knife as a joke (killing animals is a joke for boys). The buck, who didn't like the joke, started snorting and pawing the ground. It charged and Greg grabbed it by one of its antlers. He then swung past its daggers of death and plunged the knife into the side of the deer while gripping its neck.

The animal continued to fight and took Greg into a stream bed. The knife fell from Greg's hand and one of the boys got it back to their dad (who was still WWF wrestling the buck). Greg then plunged the knife into the deer's neck and jerked as hard as he could to try to rip some vital arteries.

This is one of my favorite lines in the story so I must quote it: "The deer continued to struggle but was growing weaker. Vincent, who was a competitive weightlifter in high school, was tiring, too."

I love that line. It is as if competitive weightlifters can bring in the smack down on deer. I just imagine some washed up high school jock who still lives in the past running out into the woods to take on a deer after reading this story. Oh the humanity.

All in all this story is inspirational to me because it really makes me think that no man is really a MAN until he has killed a deer with his bare hands. Let's face it, most of us would run the other way screaming like little children. WAIT! The little children in this story are there to help take this deer down. They also have more guts than most of the men on this earth.

As a social experiment, I would like to let a deer loose in The Gap or at a Starbucks just to see how the men reacted. It would be total pandemonium as chairs few in all directions, antlers sent CD racks flying, and a bunch of thin men in gray tight pants and blue dress shirts went running for the door.

And then I would arrive and flex my muscles inside my spandex suit, stare down the deer and, merely by looking at it in a fierce and intense way, cause its body to explode (because, let's face it, that is the only thing that can be any cooler than what Greg Vincent did).

So, now you know how Bambi's dad died. It was me...but don't tell anyone. Actually, the only thing I could do with a story like this is make a graphic of a road sign with a little karate guy kicking a deer in the back of the head. How lame is that?

Until next time, greekspeedoman.

Some really fresh guys called Falling UP

2007-10-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

Last night, the Mrs. and I attended a concert for Falling Up. If you have eagerly read my blogs (which are not posted often and poor in quality), you'll have noticed my review of their then new album. Now they have a new one.

Also a band from a previous post, Seven Years Absence opened for falling up. This is a nice resume moment for them. For me, it is like watching my child become fully mature from the times we recorded in my studio to opening for falling up (or whatever other emotional stuff you want to put here). It was a good show.

Here is a run-down of the concert. There were 4 bands (Seven Years Absence, The Renewing, We as Human, and Falling Up). Almost everyone there was 1/2 my age and looked prepubescent. Little boys with their wispy chin hairs and girls with their cell phones and giggles. So the wife and I went up into the balcony and sat up there. It was also an ideal spot to shoot photos for the evening's bands.

Seven Years Absence: A solid set of songs. I like the new material - 3rd song especially. Apparently, SYA is recording that song today (at least when I spoke with Nick this morning). They have tightened up their stuff. A new drum set has made their sound fuller. I especially like the kick drum. All in all, a nice set of songs and well done for being spread out across a large stage. In my opinion, SYA had a lot more going on than the second band. SYA should have been the second act.

The Renewing: if there music were to ever grace the shelf of your library, I can garantee that there would be no renewing of their material. It was really bad. The singer was flat, the guitar muddy and out of tune. It was like watching a 17 year old play guitar in front of people because he is the concert hall's son or something (OH wait, I think that is actually what the Renewing is...how silly of me). I cannot say enough bad things about them. Stage presence was lousy, too much aimless talking between songs, it just made me want to go get a warm beverage and wait for them to finish (which we did).

We as Human: This is a band that has strong potential to get signed to a label. They were a nice change from the teenage embarrassment of The renewing. Their first song took me by surprise because they have excellent stage presence. It was also much louder and filled with gritty screaming. Overall, their set was alright. The last song seemed to showcase the band's potential the most. The most distracting element of their set was some guy who was running around on stage with a little digital camera shooting close-ups of the band. To me, that was unprofessional and very distracting. I actually shot several pictures of him as he wallowed on the floor in front of the lead singer. In short, We as Human needed one fewer humans.

Falling Up: A spectacular show. They outdid themselves with this concert. I am always leary of seeing bands in concert (especially those who's recorded work is good) because I fear that they'll be lousy live. Falling Up in concert makes their albums look thin and transparent. They outdo their recorded work. The Lead singer's sustain and tone of his voice are awe inspiring. The drummer's hair ads and element of fun to some spectacular musicianship. The guitarist's take on music is refreshing in that it seems his goal is to add to the music rather than be the guitar god. An excellent set. They are also some pretty down to earth and nice guys.

Aside from finding a boa constrictor in my printer at work (I am not making this up), these are the most recent adventures of the GSM.

When my moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie...that's Amore!

2007-08-06T09:07:00.000-07:00

The Mrs. and I just returned from our summer holiday and 5th wedding anniversary (which is why I haven't blogged recently). We spent 2 days in Missoula, MT and then 7 in Sun Valley, ID. It was good times and fun. It is nice to be married 5 years to my lovely wife and to celebrate this little milestone with a vacation. A few noteworthy items from our trip are as follows.

1. We met someone who is almost famous.
2. We met someone who is famous.
3. I almost died.
4. I accidentally mooned someone.

1. We met someone who is almost famous. Sun Valley is a resort town with miles of biking trails, snow skiing galore, and really really expensive and boring shopping. It is a fun place to hang out. It is historically known as one of the favorite places for the Kennedy family and Arnold Schwarzenegger to vacation as well as Warren Miller, tons of ice skaters, musicians, writers and other famous people (like me).

On one particular evening we were hanging out by the swan pond and struck up a conversation with a few people near by us. The woman we talked with the most is George Nethercutt's sister. This is why I say we met someone who is almost famous. I know George Nethercutt (R) of Washington state and long time friend of the city of Spokane. However, I did not know that he had a sister (although it isn't too much of a stretch to think that his parents wanted more than one child). This whole meeting was fun but rather anti-climatic. To say you met someone almost famous is like saying "I almost got hit by a car". There really isn't much story to tell. No one will ask for a book deal or the rights to make a TV mini series because nothing of consequence really happened. Yet, it seems to be human nature to pass on these exciting tid bits of non information (and who am I to break with human nature).

2. We met someone who is famous. On one of our numerous bike rides, we were cruising along when we pedaled around a corner in the bike path and saw a man and his dog walking. He gave a quiet command and his beautiful dog obediently sat and waited for us to pass. As I got closer to this man, I noticed that he was probably 40 years old but dressed like he is 18. Therefore, using my wife's excellent deductive reasoning, he must be in a band. In fact, I know he is in a band. I recognized one of the tattoos on his arm and then when I saw his face I had no doubt. We met Chad Smith (drummer for the Red Hot Chili Peppers) walking his dog on the trail. I had one of those overwhelming urges to turn my bike around and go chat with him but he looked like he was at peace and I didn't want to disturb him. Also, I was wearing my spandex triatholon bike shorts (which leave little to the imagination) and didn't think I could have a normal conversation with the man in my compressed-flesh outfit. It wasn't until 5 minuites later (when my brain returned to my body) that I remembered that he is the member of a band which wears only a strategically placed tube sock on stage. I have nothing to be embarrassed about in my spandex (seriously, I am a hot chunk of man chicken who can stop traffic with a single flex).

3. I almost died. There is a hill that goes through a neighboring community that is steep. This of course is the ideal place to ride a bicycle at top speed. I rode this hill several times throughout the week and averaged 37MPH on my plunge to the bottom. However, on our last ride of the week, I wanted to see what would happen if I really got after my bike and pushed myself. The picture tells all. It isn't the fastest I've ever gone on a bicycle (52mph) but it is the fastest I have gone over an unseen manhole cover that was sunk 3 inches into the road. Yes, I almost donated my organs to science but luckily, at my pace, the bicycle hit the edge of the hole in the road and took to the air. I probably landed 30 feet further down the road and continued pedaling for a new land speed record. How would I describe the feeling? Let's just say that I almost did something involuntary and messy. It was fun...although a little anticlimactic.

4. I accidentally mooned someone. At an intersection of the bike path and a road, I paused my pedaling to allow an SUV pass. The driver of the SUV waved me through the intersection. I quickly stood up on my rolling bicycle to clip my feet into the pedals. When I did this, the horn of my bicycle seat caught the back of my Spandex triathlon shorts and pulled them down as I scooted back onto the seat. There was a pedestrian behind me. I don't know anything about the person behind me because I simply stood up, pulled my pants up, and rode off without looking back. I think I know the pedestrian's thoughts though.

"Oh my sweet Moses, that is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. I'll bet you could park a bicycle in that."

I, of course, edited out all of the pedestrian's swearing and spontaneous vomiting. As well as the searing sound when their retinas were burned out of existence. I guess that is what happens when you encounter such physical greatness. "Chiseled" is probably the best adjective to describe this entire event.

until next time....

greekSPANDEXman

Failure

2007-06-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

Some friends of ours had their first child today. He is a beautiful little guy and the parents are fascinated by him. We waited for months and hours through the labor process and out comes this little healthy chap. It is amazing to think about the potential that can be found within a small child. This is why parenting is so vital for the success of society. As a teacher, I can literally point to the students in my classroom who have had conscientious parents, no parents, or too restrictive parents. The problem is knowing how much responsibility to give a child while remaining a relevant guiding force in that child's life. Most important is allowing our children to fail in a safe environment.

I often learn more about people when they fail than when they are successful. The student who threatens to call his/her parents when they receive an undesirable grade (even though they won't take responsibility for it AND I am not intimidated by any parent). Or blaming your hurtful racial comments on society rather than taking credit for them yourself. We have a choice when we fail: "Cringe in embarrassment, or wear failure as a noble scar" (Forbes 2007).

I think of Dante Alighieri who started out being betrayed, exiled, defaced, and financially ruined when his house was burned. Yet, years later he finished his hellish work "Inferno". Despite all of his failures, he is remembered for his literary contribution and for creatively putting his rivals into his book and, in his book, into hell. What about Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni? He was badgered by a cardinal in the catholic church for years and when his last work in the Sistine Chapel was revealed, that cardinal was in his painting shown being pulled into hell by demons.

F. Scott Fitzgerald is an American icon for 20th century literature. Yet, I dare say that he didn't think of success when he died at the age of 44, penniless, an alcoholic, and with all of his books out of print (at the time).

It is a matter of perspective. Dante begins his book with "Midway on our life's journey, I found myself in dark woods, the right road lost...." There is a long scary journey through the nine circles of hell but eventually Dante comes out alright at the end of his book. I hope that life for our little ones can be the same.

Taking the Challenge: Irony

2007-06-09T16:31:00.000-07:00

In my previous post, I ripped on Alanis Morrisette's 1990's radio hit "Isn't It Ironic". dr spartacus requested that I rewrite the lyrics of her song (most of which I argued were not ironic) so that they actually were ironic. Here is dr spartacus's request:

"Request:
I would like the Greek Speedoman to re-write the words of this classic '90's hit so that the situations of each line remains basically the same (knives vs. spoons, etc.), but are actually ironic."

SO, I thought I would take the challenge. As stated in my previous blog, I believe one of her statements is actually ironic (a man afraid of flying who dies his first time on a plane).

The original lyric will be featured in Blue and my comments/additions will be in green. I have made no attempt at keeping the rhythm and pace of the song the same. I am simply concerned with attempting to make these statements ACTUALLY ironic.

1. An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day when he realized how much money he had won.

2. It's a black fly in your Chardonnay that you're drinking to celebrate killing off a plague of flies.

3.It's a death row pardon two minutes too late for someone who is guilty.

4. It's like rain on your wedding day and you're the wicked witch in the wizard of Oz.

5. It's a free ride when you've already paid but the free ride is from a serial killer.

6. Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
(I agree with this one. However, what would make it more ironic is if the man didn't know that he was in fact...Superman.)

7. A traffic jam when you're already late for a meeting about the efficiency of a city's road systems.

8. A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break and you're the Marlboro man.

9. It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife to open the packaging of your new knife.

10. It's meeting the man of my dreams -who is not attracted to you-
And then meeting his beautiful wife -who is attracted to you-

So there is my attempt at creating ACTUAL irony. This was a fun assignment. Let me know how I did.

Here are a few more lines that are not/somewhat ironic but are funny.

3.It's a death row pardon two minutes too late because of daylight savings time.
3.It's a death row pardon two minutes too late because the messenger was murdered.
4. It's like rain on your wedding day and you're a weather man.
1. An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day when he was defending himself from his greedy children.
1. An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day leaving his fortune to Anna Nichole Smith.
5. It's a free ride when you've already paid for a ride on the Titanic.
5. It's a free ride when you've already paid for a ride in Paris Hilton's car.
It's the good advice you just didn't take because you're Dr. Phil.

Isn't it Ironic - Polling the People

2007-06-03T18:25:00.000-07:00

Recently, I overheard a 1990's classic song from the "man-hater" Alanis Morrisette. It is entitled "Isn't it Ironic". I overheard the lyrics and was curious what the average person would think about them. Basically, my main objective was to determine whether or not Alanis had written a song on the topic of Irony.

My Testing Method:

Since I am a teacher, testing comes naturally to me and so I determined to do this in the most objective way. I asked 10 different people about each line (without telling them that it is from a 1990s radio hit-although some knew it was), which I chose, from "Isn't It Ironic". Then I collected their statements for my reader's personal enlightenment. Many of the responses are the same so I will only list the unique responses to a line of lyric. The lyric is in a blue font and my test subject's responses are in an orange font.

1. An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day

"I'll be his grandchild"
"Later Pops and thanks for the cash"
"That Sucks"

2. It's a black fly in your Chardonnay

"A fly might help chardonnay...I hate chardonnay"
"Gross"
Most people simply laughed at this one as if mocking the unfortunate soul.

3.It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic...don't cha think

"That Sucks"
"How Sad...think of his mother..."

4. It's like rain on your wedding day

"Oh, how awful"
"I had rain on my wedding day"
"aaaahaaaa"
"That would suck"

5. It's a free ride when you've already paid

"oh crap"
"That sucks"
"I'd just ask for my money back...what's wrong with that?"

6. Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
And isn't it ironic...dontcha think

"At least he kissed his kids goodbye."
"I'd like to die really fast like that."
"Was this guy at terrorist?"
"That Sucks."

7. A traffic jam when you're already late

"I hate that."
"What is with that? There is always some little old woman in a piece of crap car in front of me!"
"Murphy's law gets me all of the time"
"That just pisses me right off."
"It makes me want to kill someone" (I backed slowly away from this person after their response)
"That really sucks."

8. A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break

"Aren't smokers like cursed or something?"
"I don't know. I don't get cigarette breaks because I don't smoke."
"Burn the sign too!"
"Smokers are so gross I'm glad you can't smoke much anymore."
"Just shoot yourself. It's faster and we don't have to listen to you."

9. It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

"Sharpen the spoon."
"Who has 10,000 spoons? are they Heroine addicts?"
"Use the handle. That way you have both 10,000 spoons and 10,000 knives"

10. It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...dontcha think
A little too ironic...and yeah I really do think...

"That sucks. Why are they always married?"
"I really wouldn't know. My wife probably wouldn't approve."
"That happened to me. He was really cute too. That really sucks."
"That sucks"

So, there you have it. I was surprised to find how many people thought that those things just suck. Not a single person told me that they thought they were ironic. Perhaps my test subjects have no literary background or, like me, think that this song is simply stupid. I tend to agree with the general outcome of my study. None of Alanis Morrisette's "ironic" statements seem to be ironic (except for the guy who dies in the plan crash). I must agree that most of those things simply...SUCK.

I an now confidently state that I think that the lyrics of "Isn't It Ironic" suck. I also don't care much for the music behind the lyrics and think it sucks too! So, in my critical objective opinion, "Isn't It Ironic" simply SUCKS.

Of course, what IS ironic about this song is that it is supposed to be about irony but fails to describe it.

Satan Airways

2007-05-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

One of my students was telling me about a bad vacation his family recently took and it got me thinking about one of ours which I will now share with you.

We flew to Greece so I could study more of the Greek language. We lived there for a number of months and I learned some but realized that I was already decent at the language. On our flight to Athens we encountered the most demonic and evil flight attendant crew I have ever met. Since meeting these Greek women, I have taken to shouting at my students in Greek -which they don't understand- just to see the terror in their eyes (I do this jokingly of course...). I usually say something like "Your refrigerator is very cold" but in a really angry tone of voice...the same tone of voice that our flight attendants used on us.

I wish that I had known that the flight attendants we flew with were rigorously trained to hate everyone and treat everyone -even each other- like the most vile lump of flesh on the planet. They physically accosted me and pushed me back to my seat when I tried to get up to use the toilet (and the seatbelt light was off). They gave us soul damning looks when we got up to get our books out of our carry on luggage. I jokingly suggested to my wife that they change their pre-flight protocol to let passengers know that, instead of flying somewhere, they had just entered the seventh layer of hell.

Here is what I suggest for their new safety speech before their flights:

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for flying Satan airways flight 666 from New York to Athens. We hope you enjoy us hating you for the next 18 hours. This is a non-stop flight which means you will be tormented the entire way. Before we take off, we must subject our employees to violent verbal and physical abuse so they can serve us better. We also need to tell you about the safety features of this aircraft.

There are six emergency exits: two in the front, two in the middle, and two at the rear of the airplane. These do not include the big exit that will be made upon impact.
This is a no smoking flight. Anyone caught smoking on this flight will be escorted out of the aircraft for our in-flight movie: Gone With The Wind.
If you take off your seat belt at any time during this flight, a little alarm will go off in our employee's heads and they will attack you as if you were a disease infested weasel. Please cooperate and do not duck. As our employees will be trying to pummel your head into a non-descriptive pink mass.
If the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling panel above your head. To use the oxygen mask, stop screaming and put it over your mouth and nose. Give the little hose a tug and breath normally -as we plummet to the earth. If you are traveling with a child, put the child's mask on first and then your own. If you are traveling with two children, decide which of the two children you love the most.
In the event of a water landing -we prefer the word "landing" as opposed to "crash"- your seat will act as a flotation device...at least until the sharks come. Then it will act as a bobber. To defend yourself against a shark attack, punch the shark smartly in the nose. If that doesn't work, poke it in the eye with your stub.

Thank-you once again for flying Satan airways flight 666 from New York to Athens. We hope you have a dreadful flight.

Operation Wal-mart Freedom

2007-05-12T18:02:00.000-07:00

Recently, I was shopping at the only department mega store that is so large that it could have its own climate. Yes, I was at Wal-Mart (motto: We'll take your money and then your soul). I was there for the same reasons many Americans shop there. It is cheap (a nice perception but not always the truth) and everything can be found under one roof (again a nice perception). So I purchased a case of 10W-30 motor oil. Then I gleefully left to cleanse the engine of my auto. On my 45 min commute back to the house, I needed gasoline. So I stopped at the local fueling station only to find a news truck and a note-toting reporter preparing for a broadcast.

I find it interesting how the local news approaches the topic of auto fuel. There is always some jovial character anchoring the news and they talk (via satellite) to an on-site reporter who is strategically positioned in front of a sign advertising the prices per gallon. This humors me because Americans are almost as dependent on gasoline as we are on blood in our veins, water in our bodies, and Wal-Mart on our streets. We see these pumps ALL OF THE TIME, we know the prices! But that fact does not deter the mindless reporter who continues the monologue about all of this grievances people have over gasoline prices because of the war. What the reporter fails to note is, unlike wars of the past, we are not rationing our resources. Where are the liberty gardens of WWII? Where are the lines of vehicles for fuel rations during Vietnam?

This past week the US congress met to discuss a new budget for the war in Iraq. They substantially slashed Bush's requested budget (for the Iraqi war) to a tidy $609 bil for the next two fiscal years. This really sounds like a lot of money (my history students marveled at that sum of money). Yet, this price tag accounts for only about 1% of the national budget. By the end of the year 2007 we will have officially made the second conflict with Iraq the most expensive war the United States has ever been involved in (even greater than that of WWII). When we can wage the most expensive war in all history and only notice a few cents of difference at the store, we are loaded. Lesson to learn: America is richer than it has ever been. During WWII 35% of the national budget was consumed by war efforts. Rations were common, people were encouraged to grow gardens, and excess was having a little change in your pocket at the end of the day. How different it is in our contemporary times.

As a point of interest, I looked up the projected gross profits for Wal-Mart for the 2007-08 fiscal year. As it turns out, Wal-Mart's estimated gross profits are double what the United States has set aside to fight the war in Iraq. Accountants will tell you to look at a person's budget and spending habits and you can then learn a person's priorities. So where are America's priorities? Why?

Think about it! Wal-mart could take over a foreign country. Its troops (armed with laser scanners and clipboards) would march into combat with the customer service skills that fit their extensive customer service training (daily beatings with rubber hoses and verbal abuse). These blue-vested geriatrics & teens would flash their name tags and ruthlessly ignore the enemy until they simply give up and go to Shopko. That is what Wal-mart could do to another country. It is a grizzly scene. I know this scene because Wal-mart HAS decided to take over a country -its own.

Until it succeeds though, I hope that the men and women of the world -who daily put their lives on the line- don't mind if I ignore their sacrifice and instead choose to complain about the extra 30 cents I have to pay at the pump.

Old People

2007-05-05T08:52:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is alumni weekend at the high school. Old people come and wander around to look at how things have changed and to see if their favorite make-out spot is still available (probably occupied by current students). It is 9 years for me and next year I plan to drive my fantastic car and wear my amazing clothes to make everyone think I am super fly (or whatever these teens say now days). Isn't that what it is all about? Look at how spectacular I am, I bought a red Ford.

There is nothing quite as comforting as growing older. I am glad those pimple inducing, relationship drama, backstabbing years of teenage hood are gone (actually for some it is only the pimples that have changed). When I look back on my high school years, I realize how retarded we all were in our flannel "Nirvana-style" shirts. At least I thought that until I read this week that Courtney Love is finally selling Kurt Cobain's stuff at auction. She says that she still sleeps in his pajamas (now that is really lame). The only Teen Spirit that is left is their son, who has to be messed up - just look at his mother's life and father's death.

The teens of today have more technology at their fingertips than we ever did. Cell phones actually fit in your pocket now...and get pretty good coverage (much to the frustration of many teachers). Today's teenager thinks that dial-up internet connections are contemporaries with feudalism and the invention of the wheel. Hasn't the internet ALWAYS existed? Exercise is laughable when compared to the thrill gained through gaming and chatting. Maybe this is why education in america is hummoraging.

The Gates Foundation just opened a new "smart school" (which at the rate of change in technology will soon be a "stupid school") in an inner part of LA. The idea is refreshing to this teacher. All classrooms are paper free. Class moves around the facility, depending on what the teacher wants to accomplish, and all class times and meeting places are posted on the school's intra net. Much of the material students will be involved with will LITERALLY involve them physically, mentally, and socially. Gaming companies are writing software to teach students while they play (of course 1st person shooters at school is taboo). I guess what I am saying is that it is time for change. To think that pure lecture and current assessment methods is the best way to teach is blind and ignorant to the network effect the modern student (or terrorist) has available to them.

Unfortunately, many of the teachers who I discuss this with in Spokane are resistant to this change because it would mean more education classes (why bother when you're getting paid less than someone who works at McDonald's 5 days a week...Seriously where are our priorities). Also, many old timers are not nearly as adept at technology as their students and it is simply embarrassing. So we stick with the same old methods of teaching and our students grow up with little interest in self improvement because it isn't relevant.

This is something to think about when wandering your old snogging points at your high school reunion. If the trees are bigger, the buildings different, and the kids look different...then times have changed and so must we.

Bits and Pieces

2007-03-10T16:04:00.000-08:00

To my faithful readers (meaning just myself because it has been forever since my last post)...

The past few months have found me in various states of repair because chaos has decided to take over life. The short version is that I now have no appendix, missed 4.5 weeks of work due to further illness, and really hate fresh dog droppings on my dress shirts. So now I am one dress shirt fewer, have a 5 inch scar (which is totally brutal from my 10 staples!), and am thankful every time I can stand without the world spinning faster than it should (Scientists say: "about 1,038 miles per hour").

The New puppy is super cute and is basically potty trained. She is more mellow than Zoe. I hope to make a Star Wars shot with her as I did with Zoe in my March of 2006 with Zoe Wars (oh, and my Darth Vader suit has improved since then).

My recent bit of excitement comes in the form of a helmet and a coin (soon to be accompanied by more artifacts). My history students connect with history better if they can hold it in their hands so my collection of Confederate Money, Nazi money, etc. has slowly been growing. My most recent purchase is an M1 infantryman's helmet from Vietnam. It is the same style used during WWII (Band of Brothers etc.) but was much cheaper than one used in WWII. I haven't done all of the research on it yet but what I have found on the helmet so far is that it was in Vietnam by an army infantryman from '69 to '70 used by one of 5 different people (who I am currently trying to track down to see if I can identify which person was the one who owned the helmet).

It has a double shell with the outer one being steel and the inner fiberglass. The double shell design saved many people because a bullet would pass through the steel but get trapped between the fiberglass and steel. Therefore, saving a man's life. Of course a direct hit was usually fatal but the glancing bullet wouldn't hurt as much with this option.

SO enough nerding for now! Cheers to all my readers (...just me when I'm bored).

greekspeedoman

The family grows

2006-12-19T20:03:00.000-08:00

My last post was in October. Some may have even given up on my blog and never visit again. Yet, this (as president Bush would say "Shock and Awe") mind-blowing blog is here to save my reputation. This may be as shocking as my favorite student comment so far this year (when writing a personal reflective essay).........."We not dumb". Hmmm...that might be debatable.

In recent months, many things have happened in life. More recording with Seven Years Absence, grading and other teacher stuff, making guitar effects pedals from scratch, rewiring and insulating my electric guitar, riding my bike, and writing. In the midst of all of this mayhem, our family is gaining another member. Zoe is going to have a sibling.

Sasha (Zoe's mom: the Black schnauzer) got impregnated and gave birth. She was enormous. Her water broke and she went into labor. 4 hours into the labor, no puppies had been born yet and she was rushed to the Vet. They x-rayed and found there were four puppies. One was stuck in the birth canal (and was dead). They did an emergency operating to extricate the remaining puppies. Before they could get to them all, another puppy broke out of the sack and died. Sasha ended up having only two puppies. She is in excruciating pain. Pain killers are not an option because she is nursing. Her incision is about 4 inches long (on a 12 lb. dog). The two surviving puppies are cute fat little things. Their paws are about the size of the end of a woman's little finger.

The darker puppy is the female and the pink nosed one is the male. Both are so cute and lovable. They are about the length of a person's hand and the diameter of a Costco hot dog. We have our choice of either or both dogs. The decision isn't made yet. Leave me a note to help us decide. We are also interested in doggy names if you have one to offer.

SO, until I write again (2012????). Blessings and Happy Holidays. May your Holiday season be filled with all those things that make our hearts warm and our bank accounts empty.

greekspeedoman

Music....MAN

2006-10-06T20:28:00.000-07:00

So it has been like a million years since my last update. I have no reasons other than I am a teacher. Simply put, it is a busy job and, as you can tell, I'm aging quickly because of it!

So far school is going well. This year's seniors were my first class. I taught them as freshmen and now they are going to be leaving. At first I was pretty bummed about that but now I am happy for them (“I am happy for them” is code for “I want them to leave” he he. Not really but I think they will be ready soon and I can’t wait to see what they can accomplish). I moved my offices into the same area and now the Yearbook and I can communicate better. We also designed a killer cover for the book. It is pretty daring and edgy and may draw some criticism but I think it rocks. My yearbook staffs are amazing and creative.

The recording and mixing and recording and mixing etc… has continued for Seven Years Absence. We have been working on a soundtrack for a film being filmed in Chicago. Another song was recently picked up for a film being shown in Spokane at the FOX theater. That song is the one which has had the time pressures recently. It has been fun and a huge learning experience. I have heard the new song 1 second at a time about 300 times (pretty close to reality). I still like it and I think that is a good sign for the success of the band. It really is nice to work with such a great band. And the dog is getting used to having drums in the house. She’ll even hang out in the studio while we record some drum parts which almost inspire one to have an out of body experience.

There is some music which has lit my head on fire recently. Three albums in specific. Falling Up's new remix CD “Exit Lights” is mind-blazingly genius. Just when you think there is no other style or creative way of presenting their material they pull a quick remix that would make almost any other band's remix sound like pennies in a dryer on a cold January morning in the middle of a pond (translation: it makes other bands sound really lame).

Another project making my ears scream for more is the new Skillet album. After "Collide" I wasn't sure where they would go. It was a departure from their "techno-ish" effects mixed with a pretty burly rock part. Collide opened a whole can of brilliance in the use of guitars, vocal effects, and string parts. “Collide” is Skillet's "Joshua Tree" or "Abbey Road". However, the new album "Comatose" has some phenomenal songs on board. It has a similar feel to "Collide" but a bit more commercial. It seems that Skillet is realizing their niche market and is catering to that market with snappier more polished work. It seems obvious that they know how critical "Collide" is to their career and "Comatose" seems to be an attempt to defend their market space while making a few tweaks to their style. All in all a solid effort and one I will be listening to repeatedly for a very long time (translation: until I go blissfully deaf by listening to it with the volume at 50+).

So the love song king wrote another "pop" album for all the love struck college girls out there (insert uncontrollable screaming here). John Mayer released “Continuum” a few weeks ago and I have had many good listens of his new project. John's music has decidedly changed. This is his first effort at producing as well as writing and recording an album. With that change comes a more mature sound (sorry college ladies). I think it is a nice change for him. He continues to appeal to the love sick but throws in a few brutal guitar riffs to keep everyone awake. It is a good album in that he breaks a few rules (i.e. writing music that will be worn out on superficial pop stations the world over). His new music is like the work of old: Some solid music for the sake of music and to make an album a whole work which is not intended to be sold in pieces. It is nice to see an artist do the old school (even his cover is old school). Oh, and John Mayer has inspired me on his blog. He has started making his own guitar effects pedals. This is a plan of mine as well. I am working on the design for the circuit boards and making a list of parts. I'll let you know how it goes (if i don't electrocute myself to death).

So I did the face recognition thing at myheritage.com which compares your face with celebrity faces. The program run all sorts of tests on the geometry of my face etc... and here are the results. I thought they were funny but finally my students are justified in calling me one of these celebrities (can you guess which one?).

Well, enough boring writing. Remember...you might be a redneck if your last physical was aboard a UFO.

Cheers,

GreekSpeedo

Just Call Me George Martin.

2006-08-14T20:40:00.000-07:00

George Martin was the producer for the Beatles during all of their years as a band. He was the one who asked John Lennon to kick Pete Best off of the drums and find another drummer (one Richard Starkey –i.e. Ringo. He possesses the creative drumming technique of a human metronome. The most amazing thing is that it was exactly what The Beatles needed!). The Beatles and George Martin were knighted for their musical efforts.

Anyhow, our basement has been invaded (at least this is what the dog thought). No, it is not the constant flooding because the building should have been torn down 45 years ago. It is a little phenomena called "Seven Years Absence". They have been shopping around for a studio to record at and came and checked out my studio (Studio L18). I know the band quite well. I have known Nick (guitars) and Casey (vocals) since they were pudgy little 2nd or 3rd graders, Brian (Bass) from some improv acting we did together with Nick, Alan (guitars) I've known since he was a toddler and he was a student of mine, and Mike I've known for about 3 hours and didn't really have time to get to know him over the explosions coming from his drum set. Good guys. Here is the band's MySpace site.

Anyhow, we got to work right away trying to assemble rock-climbing equipment to make up for the lack of a mic stand (I really have no idea where it went). The guys seemed pleased and we have another date to record again. Currently, they are working on some material for a soundtrack to a movie being produced in Chicago. There is much work to be done on the first song but we have a rough track and things seem fairly good. It has been a while since I have been involved in some serious recording and I almost forgot how much fun it is.

I am truly shocked that they wanted to come back and record at Studio L18 again because it is so stinking small and I have no mic stands! I have it set up for one track at a time recording (which worked out fine) but the drum set in a room the size of two twin mattresses is a bone jarring experience. In fact, I went to my yearly teacher's physical and the doctor told me that my internal organs were gelled from all of the shocking rhythm (Note for the humor impaired: that was a joke.)

Ten days from now teaching resumes but until then I think we'll see if we can't knock loose another cinder block so that our constantly flooded basement is even worse. Who knows, maybe we'll be forced to move into a house that doesn't have the Amazon running through the walls onto the floor.
Until then, I hope that things continue to go well for this new band and I hope I never end up looking like George Martin (he is bald for goodness sakes!)...although I wouldn't mind being knighted.

Sir greekspeedoman

Skytrooper...Jump!

2006-07-31T10:54:00.000-07:00

Crazy things are happening. The B-Budget film seems to have come to its conclusion (hidden meaning...Steven Segal killed Kevin Costner with his acting and then was abducted by the Cubans when they invaded the US from outer space). Actually, the script seemed to run out when we found a new-to-us car (one which is much better than the one which was stolen and wrecked). You can read about it at my lovely lady's blog.

Yesterday, we went to Sky Fest 2006 at Fairchild Air force Base. It was a lot of fun. I had a momentary brush with history. Those brushes with history are exhilarating and thought provoking. I have had these moments when standing in a German bunker on Omaha beach looking at where a grenade or shoulder launched rocked exploded against the wall and ceiling, standing on the D Day beaches and in the cemeteries with an odd feeling that I had arrived home, running my hand along a 100 ft. piece of the Berlin wall, Standing atop Hitler's bunker and looking over to the capital building where he came into power, walking through concentration camps and experiencing odd feelings of horror mixed with a peace only found in a park, looking down onto the lights of Tokyo and wondering what it was like that night Tokyo was firebombed, talking with elderly people in the Philippines about the American and Japanese occupation, and the list goes on. There are so many moments and I never expected yesterday to hold one of those moments...But it did.

We toured a Douglas C-53D "Skytrooper". It was originally manufactured in Santa Monica, CA for an airliner but was used by the military for service during WWII. It was modified to carry paratroopers and tow gliders. In fact, this airplane (which still flies) flew with the second wave of paratroopers during the D-Day invasion. It transported the paratroopers of the 82nd airborne (All American) and the 101st airborne (Screamin' Eagles). The 101st has recently been the feature of Stephen Ambrose's book turned miniseries "The Band of Brothers". The C-53D also flew missions over Bastogne, FR during the battle of the Bulge when the ill-equipped 101st airborne was pinned down by the Germans during one of the most brutal winters (and battles) seen in Europe.

What was amazing, for me, was to walk through this airplane. The seats where the paratroopers sat are metal with seat belts the cockpit a simple endeavor (simpler than Cessnas I flew while in college). What struck me, though, was what had occurred in that fuselage. How many prayers had been prayed as the plane was being shocked by German anti-aircraft fire. How many of those men thought of parents, spouses, children, and friends? How many jumped from the door in which I entered and never made it home to see those people they loved so dearly? I picture them sitting there stone faced with glazed eyes being jolted with every shock from exploding flack. Ready to fling themselves into battle but scared to do so. Checking their gear and the 80 lb leg pack (which most cut off as soon as possible) and mentally preparing themselves to fall to the earth and find themselves instantly surrounded. What an amazing place are those 27 seats.

To make the experience more mind blowing, a man sat at the back of the cockpit. He was in his WWII dress uniform. He flew 24 missions over Europe in B-17s. Since I am a history nerd I recognized several things about this retired pilot. Among the metals decorating the front of his uniform there were two which interested me. The first was above his right pocket and indicated that he fought in operation Overlord (D-Day). Another metal over his left pocket indicated that he was wounded during the war. At the rear of the plane stood a man who piloted B-29s over the South Pacific. So there is another moment in time to remember. Another brush with D-Day. Another exciting and sobering experience.

I wonder how many people, as they tour that plane, will even think about what it means. They come in with their cotton candy, tennis shoes, and denim shorts and jockey for the front of the line or the best seat. Yet, they are oblivious of what that plane really is. Below are some more photos I shot during the air show (click on the photos for bigger shots).

F-15E in full after burner just shy of the sound barrier.
F-15E in a knife edge turn. Click for a bigger picture and see the moisture coming off of the wings! The pilot is experiencing about 7 times the normal pull of gravity.

F-117 Stealth Fighter (protected by armed guards with authorization to use deadly force).

This one is known for being sneaky (same goes for the airplane)...here comes that deadly force!

F-18 Hornet and the P-51 Mustang flying in formation. I'm a little proud of this one since the moon is in the background and the set up is pretty good.

The Thunderbird team (F-16C).

Thunderbirds in the classic diamond formation.

4 Thunderbirds with one threading its way between them. Click on picture for a better view. Another picture I am happy to have shot. They are going about 700 mph. Timing is critical.
From afar in a coordinated inverted roll while in formation.

Straight up and silent. The roar followed shortly after this photo.

Later, greekspeedoman

The B budget Film continues...

2006-07-15T16:00:00.000-07:00

Kevin Costner here with act 3 of the B-budget film. Yes, it is true. The 2006 summer drama continues. First it was a flash flood. Then a local house and out building caught fire and burned.

Now, in a strange twist of fate, we only have one car. The very car (pictured in my post "Flash Flood @ Home") which saved our lives during the flash flood was stolen by bad people with beer last Tuesday night. They proceeded to treat it poorly and eventually drove it into a tree, bush, and someone's fence. We were out of town and the police had trouble getting a hold of us but eventually we awoke to a startling phone call. Our car was involved in a hit and run. At one point, the police were wondering if my wife was involved because her name was on the title.

My wife, of course, wasn't there (as far as I know....hmmmmm). It isn't like her to crash her car into a fence and leave it running at 12:04 am. The police weren't able to catch the suspects because they were elsewhere doing important police related business (giving a ticket to a speeding bicyclist or something equally important). Apparently, catching two punk thieves, with a screwdriver capable to destroying both front leather seats, an entire dashboard, and a steering column, don't rate high on the police "to-catch" list.

Okay, sarcasm aside. The police were very helpful (Thank-you officer Watson...YES, that is his real name...And yes he is a Private Investigator). Watson is no elementary P.I.. Also, the mechanic who had our car when it was stolen is also a very nice guy and helpful. Even the thieves were nice and left about 16 cans of unopened cheap beer in our back seat. Our insurance company totaled the car and so now we are down to the "nice" car (heavy sarcasm). The "nice" car has 320,000 miles on it, broken door locks, about 6 feet of cracks in the windshield. So basically, I have nothing to worry about. Someone could look at it wrong and I'd be out $10. At least that one wont' be as horrifying to work with if it gets ruined.

Speaking of horrifying...I just finished reading "HOUSE" by Ted Dekker and Frank Peretti. I read it in about 18 hours (380 pages). Needless to say, it is really good. It messes with the mind. It is also going to be a movie in 2007 (although I won't see it because the book was giving me bladder problems from fright). That is about all I will say here.

Speaking of finishing up business. Sometime, I plan to make a post of our sun valley trip. Keep posted and you'll see that and perhaps pictures of the wrecked car.

Later,

Kevin Costner

A Series of Fortunate or Unfortunate Events

2006-06-27T10:42:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since my last posting. So far, this has been a crazy summer. I spent a week in Utah doing some recruiting at a camp meeting. Most of the people at the camp meeting were older than the bricks the school is made of so things didn't go especially well. But I finished a good book ("Monster" by Frank Peretti). It is not his best but still fun. I also had some fun theological "fights" with some Mormon people. We had fun and left as friends (neither party completely understanding the other). That was fun.

There are several things that have happened recently. Here are a few of the most exciting.

My last post was about the Spangle flood. We must be some sort of B budget film out here because now we've had a house fire as well. I turned down the firefighters, when they asked me to join them, because I knew I would have to deal with medical things I don't want to deal with. So, not as a fireman, I helped take personal belongings out of a burning building. (between the flood and this fire I might as well call myself Kevin Costner or some other lame action "hero").

Speaking of fires and that of passion and love, RJ and Katie got married. A nice wedding in Wally World. A nice program with some humor and a simple yet elegant atmosphere. Kudos to the new family and may you achieve all of your goals together!

In related, goal achieving, news...I am rooting for Portugal in the World Cup. We got heavy exposure to Portugal when they were playing Greece in the 2004 Euro Cup. We were fortunate enough to be in Athens for several months during the Olympics and when Greece beat Portugal in the Euro Cup. This means we got to see 10 Million insane Greeks flood the streets of Athens to make the earth literally shake for their heroes. So far, things have been going OK for Portugal. Their last game had a Russian official with the intellectual capacity of an empty tube of toothpaste. As a result, they are playing England 2 players short. Their chances seem slim but I still root for them. Figo is my fav. player. He is so smooth.

Smooth athletes also goes with another recent event. The Iron Man Coeur d'Alene. DJ P Freddy did it this year (see his bike photo). YAY Freddy! It is a 2.5 mile swim, 112 mile bike ride, followed by a full marathon run (26 miles). I understand the Iron Man committee was contemplating setting fire to all participants and feeding them to wild boar in addition to the normal events. The proposition was voted down on the basis that the Iron Man participants would already be dead at the end of the swim, bike, and run (for the humor impared: that last two sentences were a joke). I actually saw a man wearing a Speedo at this event! He was German however and cannot be displayed on this blog (for numerous horrific reasons...none of which have to do with the fact that he is German). Some of the bicycles I saw appear to be more valuable than the gross domestic product of Uruguay and others looked really sad.

On a happy note, we put in a fence and Zoe is beside herself with excitement. It was our first major accomplishment of the year (since last week was my first week off). It is really nice to know that the puppy is safe and that she can dig, run, and roll in do do (this actually happened...it was in her ear!) as much as she likes. Speaking of yard work...if anyone knows how to get thistles out of a lawn I would really appreciate it. I keep killing them with spray but they are like the Christians of the early church. The more you kill them the more they multiply. I even say "die pagan scum" when I spray each one (and that is the honest truth).

I have also started growing my own herbal teas. Here is a picture of my camomile. I think I'll have quite a bit this year. I am excited about this prospect. I have researched growing tea for about a year and finally decided to do it. So now I can pull out my little plastic baggy with plant product in it and honestly say "I grow my own."

Anyhoo, next week we will be in Sun Valley living it up and this week I am starting my work on my 3 college classes for this summer.

In unrelated but exciting news, I love Hooverphonic's new album and Portishead is coming out with a new one (their first in 10 years). So basically the world of trip hop is treating me well.

So until the next natural disaster...

greekspeedoman (AKA Kevin Costner)

Flash Flood @ Home

2006-06-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

We were traveling back home last night and found ourselves surrounded by water. What should have been a pasture was a lake and there was about 4 -6 inches of rushing water over the road. Matters got worse when we realized that the bridge back to the school campus and home was under about 3 -4 feet of water. Here is our poor car after having a river of mud flow over it. Luckily, Subaru has a height adjuster on the struts and we were able to raise the car about 2 inches by pushing a button.

At one point, the cafeteria was helping to redirect the "river" which was moving fast and about 3 -4 feet up the outside wall of the cafeteria. Miraculously, not a drop of water got into the cafeteria because the doors were packed shut with mud, straw and sticks. The dorms didn't fair as well. The girl's dorm had one wing which flooded (about 1 -2 inches). The boy's dorm flooded about 6 - 8 inches (1st floor). One of the stairwells was about 5 feet deep at one point and it was decided not to open that door.

Many of us staff worked late in the dorm to get the water out as well as all of the storage (for students and the dorm). There were a few wet boxes but most wasn't too bad. We lost several mattresses in the guy's dorm and the carpet is an absolute mess.

Here is a news report from KREM 2 on the flood. At about 1 min is the beginning of the report. You'll see a dodge ram sitting outside a building. That truck was parked in front of the cafeteria. Our grounds are a wreck and our student workers are gone so it will be a long time coming to fix things back up again.

Several people's homes flooded. We had some flooding in our basement but not too bad. The basement normally floods anytime it rains (because the house is so old). There was more this time. It got into the big room in the basement. There was one staff house where they got about 200 gallons out of the hallway.

Here are some photos (all were shot when the water was lower so you can see things rather than something that just looks like the ocean).

It was washing over the railroad tracks. At this point, the water was only about 2 -3 feet deep over the road.
This is the airstrip.
Our cafeteria after the water was subsiding. You can see pieces of the road that were torn up by the water too.
Behind the cafeteria. Remember: The cafe does have a basement (which was filled with and under water at this point). Now this whole area is about a foot of mud.
The bridge to the church was also under water. This is about 3 trees (20 - 40 ft) all stuck under the bridge.
No one knows were this bail came from. It is a big one. The Mrs. is standing next to it (no trick photography).
The Mrs. marks the water line for the "river" which was rushing past the sign. Behind the sign, it was much deeper.

So all in all, I'm glad this wasn't graduation weekend and that no one is here. Yet, it would be nice to have an army to help put things back together. No one died so I guess this is the perfect tradgedy!

Soggy Salutations, Greekspeedoman

Graduation 2006!

2006-06-06T15:35:00.000-07:00

Well, The seniors of 2006 are now gone and a new batch will arrive soon. Summer is here and life is exciting. I have slept in and been working harder than during the normal school year. Grades are due and I am preparing to make a trip to Utah next week to do some recruiting.

EXCITING NEWS!!! We attended Post Falls High School's graduation last night and got to see Nicole graduate. She was all smiles and did very well. She was probably the best behaved student in the group. She was so excited about the whole thing that nothing could phase her. It was impossible to avoid the crushing hugs and smiles. We're so proud of her!

In related news, my Seniors graduated on Sunday. It was nice to see many of them march (especially those who barely made it). My friends and companions for the 2006 - 2007 year. I had the commencement speech. It was probably the most stressful thing I have ever done and normally I wouldn't have done it except it was for my students. These four girls introduced me and sufficiently embarrassed me. They are my nuns. They talked too much so I made them into a convent and subjected them to a vow of silence (which didn't really work but it was a nice idea). If you care, here is a copy of my speech (it is a bit long).

*************
Trajectory: Commencement 2006

I. Friends, families, UCA staff, board members, and total strangers, welcome to the commencement program for the class of 2006. I'm going to be blunt and honest with everyone. I find my name listed as the commencement speaker to be impossible. Earlier this year, the very idea that I would be asked to speak for the 2006 commencement never even crossed my mind it was so impossible. I mean, what kind of sick and twisted class would want to hear from a teacher that are required to spend time with every school day of the year! I also thought it brave of you to let me have the last word. You guys are nuts and I love that about you. This is the class of 2006 and I am honored to be here with you in this little earth shaking moment.

II. Another little moment: an "impossible idea" JFK
a. Land a man on the moon before 1970.
b. One man pitched an idea
i. A nation mobilized and began working.

c. Failure was dealt with.

i. JFK saw the Saturn I rocket but that was all (murdered in 1963).

ii. Gus Grissim, Ed White, Roger Chaffee died in January of 1967.

d. Success

i. 1969 we landed on the moon because of one man's Big Hairy Audacious Goal.

ii. This took nearly a decade of planning, thinking, testing, and computing to devise a vehicle capable of getting to the moon and then determining its correct trajectory so that it would reach the intended goal.

e. PBS interviewed a historian (Let's call him professor smarty pants from somewhere. The man's name doesn't make a huge impression on me it was what he said that matters). He proposed that thousands of years from now, this current part of earth's history will be remembered for one thing...Chuck Norris. No, I'm kidding. Chuck Norris is a sick obsession amongst this class which has rubbed off on me. This historian proposed that this time in earth's history will be remembered as the time when people who successfully ventured off of the planet into space. Looking back through centuries of history and what various generations are remembered for, I think he could be correct (with the addition of nuclear age). This bothers me. Class of 2006, is this what you want written on your tombstones? "I lived during man's first ventures into space and atomic research." Is that your ultimate goal? Why can't we take a queue from JFK and determine a trajectory that will change the world again? A New Moment in time!

III. This is the moment you have been anticipating all year. Essentially, it is your launch: a small event that can change the world. T minus 1 hour and counting.

a. High School is something you complete. Life is something you experience.

i. 1st grade to here.

ii. Things have changed in the last 4 years!

1. Music

a. The round format

b. MP3 players

c. When I graduated from High School we had collections of CDs which required the use of fork-lifts to move.

d. Now entire music collections can be listened to from a device the size of a toenail.

e. Times will continue to change. Millions of songs will be circulating in our blood streams. But do we define these changes as success?

iv. Grades and results do matter but I donÂt think we should define success in matters of grades and results.

b. Success is defined in a variety of ways. Someday, you will find that people will no longer be grading you. At this point, I hope that success will come from your own internal sense of decency and love of others. After all, excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude which determines your life's trajectory.

IV. So here are four tips to help you and your families (because this is a beginning for them as well) on your journey as you launch today and choose your trajectory.

a. Travel: I have never learned so much about life as when I travel. Languages, food, people, and how cultures work are all invaluable experiences. I have never come home knowing everything. It is actually the opposite. Every time I have traveled back I return marveling at how little I know. There are so many questions to be answered. This has been beneficial in my life because I recognize that I am ignorant. Ignorance is not a bad thing. Knowing we are ignorant is what makes a wise person wise. Basically, travel puts life in perspective. What changes people's lives? The Eiffel tower or love? The Mona Lisa or a smile? It is a humbling experience I encourage all of you to spend time traveling.

b. Also, point two, spend time with your loved ones. On the surface, hanging out with your parents, grandparents, guardians, and all of their friends may seem boring. Yet, there is so much experience and advice our elders can offer us. Never to be so proud that you won't tell your friends and family that you love them (Because you cannot do it when they are gone).

i. When you have families of your own. Make them your career and don't leave them for a job somewhere. Even in ministry this is vital. No one can respect a pastor, teacher, or Christian who doesn't demonstrate love in their families. The greatest calling any human has is to love their family and spend time with them. Many of you have benefited from this type of environment and many have not. But no matter what I encourage you to make your family a better one than the one you grew up in.

ii. Families (both seniors and families), this is a time of trajectory for you as well. I have spent time with your men and women. Times of joy, anger, sorrow, and excitement. Here are a few ideas for our families after spending time with your kids.

1. We need to learn to let our grudges die. Probably the most heart rending thing to experience, as a teacher, is seeing a student being eaten alive by his or her emotions because their family is a mess. These messes vary but the trauma caused by families on themselves eats a family alive. We need to learn that WE are not the center of the universe. Our families will respect us more if we are willing to give up our pride.

2. Draw together. Plan times to hang out together and build or repair loving relationships within the family. Give up addictions to work, play, people, substances, television, or computer time to become your each other's best friend.

3. Parents! NEVER tell your child that he or she is unqualified to do what is in his or her heart. LISTEN to what they want to do and ask them questions to help them better understand what their dreams really are. Be a mentor and a guide not a fair-weather friend or dictator. This will require a life long commitment to learning about yourself and your child. Let them live their class motto to "be what they are!"

4. Students and Parents: PRAY, PRAY, PRAY, for and with each other. There is no better way to stay united than to make Love the center of your lives and families. If we learn nothing more in life let us remember to pray.

c. Never stop learning. If we researched the most successful people, companies, and countries in the world, we would find one thing in common among all of them. The unquenchable thirst for knowledge and experience. Part of this learning experience, I believe, is recognizing how valuable You are to this life and what you are capable of. You may think, "Hey I'm only one person what can I do?" Perhaps the biggest lesson we can learn in life is how one person can change the world. Look at some people who died this year who single handedly changed the world.

i. Rosa Parks: unintentionally started a bus boycott in the southern US. Became an icon of the civil rights movement.

ii. Coretta King: A woman who endured hell on earth because of her family's cause for freedom from discrimination of all groups of people in the United States and around the world. Dr. King could not have done it alone. She was Vital to their mission and chosen trajectory.

iii. Just think. If one person can throw out an idea and a nation lands on the moon, a battle against injustice is fought, and thousands choose to walk to work rather than ride the bus, then what can the 2006 seniors of UCA accomplish? I really feel that there are "NO LIMITS". Seniors you need to prepare yourselves for the possibility that sometimes big changes follow small events. Here is an example of what I am talking about.

iv. A piece of paper, when folded 50 times, will stretch to the sun. A small change goes a long way.

v. Dog in the snow. A 3 degree change in temperature and a dog's world is completely different. Dogs treat snow as the greatest gift on the planet. So what is our greatest gift?

d. Experience the Gift.

i. What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God. Don't let fear get in your way.

ii. Pandemics and fear.

iii. Bird Flu

iv. AIDS

v. What about the Jesus bug?

1. There are people who do not think of God as being up there and humans being down here. These are people who live and breathe God and his love. Now many people get caught up in the nitty gritty details about God (and they are fun). But a person can become so enamored with the details of an infinite God that they fail to see what God is all about. But the principles of Jesus' life: Love, compassion, forgiveness, generosity, and justice ARE qualities we can wrap our heads around and calculate into our life's trajectory.

2. The smallest decisions you make do make a world of difference. One date with someone can change your lives for better or for worse (so only date intending to marry). One dumb decision can land you in jail for a lifetime (so think about your actions and motivations). One off-handed comment can destroy a relationship or family (so learn when to be spontaneous and when to think ahead). These are all parts of setting your trajectory.

3. Set your trajectory and when you fail, take a note from NASA, don't dwell in your shame. Romans 8 says that there is NOTHING that can separate us from God's love. Do you realize that? Do you know that? You and I can do NOTHING that will make God love us less. NOTHING. NOTHING. Nothing.

4. When it comes right down to it...

a. Heaven will be full of people God loves and Jesus died for.

b. Hell will be full of people God loves and Jesus died for.

c. We are loved by God NO MATTER WHAT! Love is God's grand plan so that "you... may be able to comprehend and know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge." Ephesians 3. 16 - 19. Unstoppable, "no limits", love is his trajectory. We can't change God's love for us.

i. The question is: "Is God in my trajectory? Do I want to love God in return?"

5. A positive epidemic of love and service can be started by a handful of people. You can start a positive epidemic in the Christian church, this nation, and the world. All you have to do is make God your moon project and work towards that Big Hairy audacious goal. One in which the earth will experience Christians as they have never been experienced. Loving, compassionate, generous, and just people, who's main concerns are not about hairstyles, soy meat, and church programs, but who's passion is found in a living God. A God so huge that he can love all of us together and each of us alone. NO MATTER WHAT!

6. The career you choose, the money you make, and the awards you receive do not matter unless you have an attitude of service and love. God doesn't need another millionaire (unless they have love). God doesn't need another poor person (unless they have love). God doesn't call everyone to be a pastor (Thank-you God). God needs mail people, physicists, doctors, lawyers, mechanics, sales people, and hair dressers who are passionate about spreading an epidemic of grace and love. You have only one life (only one small moment).

7. Remember: one small moment can change lives. Make that moment a positive one and do it with enthusiasm. "When you come to the fork in the road, take it". Go for it! Don't let anyone or anything stop your trajectory to create a positive epidemic in your corner of the world.

So here we are at the end. There is only one last thing to do...your launch sequence countdown... 5! Plan, train, and arrange your life's priorities...4! Don't dwell on failure but persevere through hard times... 3!love each other and your families in service...2! Recognize the possibility that some of life's biggest changes start from the smallest decisions...1! May your life become a response to the truth that you've always been loved, are loved, and always will be loved by an infinite Creator. And may you know that there is NOTHING you could ever do to make God love you any less. Nothing. And may you realized that you are in a relationship with the living God and that He has called you to a trajectory of starting a positive epidemic. May God bless you by hunting you down with love, justice, mercy, compassion, and success...0. Mission Control, we have lift off!
*************

Cheers, Greekspeedoman

Officially a Dog

2006-05-19T10:29:00.000-07:00

It is official, Zoe turned 1 year old on May 16, 2006. Therefore, she no longer qualifies as a "puppy" and must now be called a "DOG". All of this in spite of the fact that she is much smaller than anticipated (6 lbs). Her father was 10 lbs and her mother 12 lbs. I guess you can never tell what may happen when there is procreation afoot.

We celebrated by giving her a couple of beef sticks. She celebrated by releasing toxic dog fumes and nearly killing us. Now she only gets a beef stick if we're leaving.

The birthday change in her life has not kept her from being curious though (as you can see).

AT LAST! Proof of Global Warming

2006-05-04T11:02:00.000-07:00

Scientists just agreed in US congress how to interpret data collected from our earth. After they finally agreed HOW to read the data the determined how much our earth is warming up. They did all of this by voting (I am not making this up). I'm glad we can vote and make our earth warmer or cooler (it is like a road trip through the universe).

My history students often ask me about global warming because they know it will set me off and I gladly go off on how it is a bunch of garbage. Global warming is a way for environmental lobbyist to get money, a way to keep citizens in fear so we can be controlled by our governments, and how do we know it exists in the first place? There are far too few scientist making measurements around our globe and our instruments are not capable of it. Plus much much more.

Yet with all of this ranting and raving, I have managed to find proof of global warming [which makes me look like a buffoon--whimper]

Swimming suits in the 1920s

Swimming Suit in the 1950s

Swimming Suit in the 1990s

Swimming Suit in 2000

Given the amount of research and data I have collected from this scientific study, I have decided that global warming must exist (or we have a fabric shortage). Given that this is the case, I predict that our globe will be 2.34840193 degrees warmer in 100 years (and we'll all swim "in the raw"). I can predict this because my student workers and I took a vote and decided that it was reality. REALLY, no one knows anyhow so why does it matter?

Super Ninja Monkey

2006-04-29T19:56:00.000-07:00

Check out the super ninja monkey. I LOVE MONKEYS!

Draw A House.Com

2006-04-28T22:31:00.000-07:00

Click here to view my house

Here is my house. Check it out it is a masterpiece of Kindergarden proportions! I got this from Cousin Ryan's Site which I have added under my Links.

The Mother Load

2006-04-27T21:58:00.000-07:00

I have come across one of the most sensational literature sites in the world. It has thousands of full text books by tons of authors. I read one of my fav novels of all time here in full text (1984). It also has Edgar Allen Poe (one of my favs.). There is sure to be something for everyone...OH and it's free.

The Literature Network: Online Classic Literature

Mad TV Greece

2006-04-27T21:56:00.000-07:00

I have added Mad TV Greece to my list of links. I love this site (of course it helps if you know some Greek) but their streaming videos are exactly what you see on TV in Greece (pretty low budget but fun). We spent WAY too much time watching this program. Essentially it is MTV for Greece (only better).

Change Me

2006-04-27T10:19:00.000-07:00

A student told me about this website. It is thought provolking. Check it out.

http://changeme.gettyimages.com

The Mystery

2006-04-27T10:10:00.000-07:00

So, Buford my printer is officially dead. The tech morticians took him away (and it took more than one). My students have been rejoicing because it has postponed such things as tests and quizzes. I have the craziest story though.
One morning last week, a printer mysteriously appeared on our front porch with an attached note indicating that the printer was a donation to the teacher's cause. It is incredible! What student does something like that. I am blown away by the whole thing. Yet, I didn't feel right giving a brutal quiz freshly printed off of the phantom printer the day it arrived on our front porch.
It is true that being a teacher can be a brutal job sometimes but occasionally there is a glimpse of what my students are capable of and what how they want to live their lives. I am fortunate. Anyhow, the new printer "Agent 006" is named after this year's senior class (even though Agent 006 died in one of the Bond films).
In related news, we have 4 weeks of school left... (perhaps it is not good for teachers to rejoice but I am looking forward to a bit of a break).

Kiss of Death

2006-04-20T20:21:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about death and dying today. I don't especially know why. No one, I know, has died recently. This thought was spurred by my printer (his name is Buford). Buford, and I am not making this up, is a product of the late 1980s or early 1990s. He weighs 86.3 lbs (no joke) and takes a hand truck to move. With all of that mass you would think that the print quality would be sensational. However, I think a drunk spastic monkey with no actual "appendages" or "functioning" brain could produce better work in a much shorter period of time. Apparently he has decided he despises me and for two days has refused to produce anything unless it is a mangled page covered in black dusty toner which goes everywhere. Yes, I do spend too much time alone grading papers and Yes I do talk to my printer. You know that scene in Office Space where they kidnap the printer? IT'S ON SMALLS! THE SMACKDOWN COMETH!

A contributing factor was my lunch time (12 min. today but that is the nature of the job). I arrived home to find that Zoe (my Jedi in training) had unleashed all of her 6 lb. fury upon one of the house plants. I think it was a trying battle but eventually the houseplant caved and sacrificed its life for...well...nothing. I guess not all was a loss. I did laugh to see a huge shredded leaf stuck to Zoe's bearded face. She's the cutest little bearded thing.

Dick Cheney

2006-04-15T18:37:00.000-07:00

Dick Cheney is coming to Spokane to say Hi to our personnel at the air force base. I think it is a nice gesture and I hope they return fire.

More Funny Student Comments

2006-04-13T10:07:00.000-07:00

"I don't bite. I nipple."

"Some people are just repulsive"

"Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."

"Kinky and Religion don't really go together."

"Your insolence vexes me so that sometimes I fantasize that you would prove your mortality"

"That dress is so small. I'd find more cotton in an advil bottle."

And there are more to come I am sure...

My Favorite Student Blunders

2006-04-01T22:49:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend is really a eunuch person.
******
I want my boyfriend to propose to me in pubic. A pubic proposal is much more enjoyable than in private.
******
I don't know if he will propose, but I am expecting.
******
My relationship with my ax girlfriend was so painful.
******
There were no many bears in flour mill forest plains without the giant runny stream of smallpox. Those poor Indians.
******
What is circumcision?
******

A Delighted Democrat

2006-04-01T22:43:00.000-08:00

There is no more pleasure to my life than exercising my power as a citizen to make my president dance. What a wonderful feeling it is to get straight to the white house and have the president comply with my demands.

Make Bush Dance Here: http://www.dancingbush.com/

Potty Talk

2006-04-01T22:42:00.000-08:00

Check out this little survey. You may learn something about yourself.

http://www.bathroomsurvey.com/

My Ancient Manuscript

2006-04-01T22:18:00.000-08:00

Walla Walla College still has my website up. I don't know why since I've been out of college for several years. However, my Out of context quotes are still fun.

check it out at: http://people.wwc.edu/student/jankma/quotes_out_of_context.htm

I just found it again and it still makes me smile.

Mullet Mania Baby!

2006-03-31T12:25:00.000-08:00

Business up front. Party in Back!
To say that the mullet is a hairstyle barely even scratches the surface of the issue. The mullet is a way of life, it is a state of mind, it is every person who wears it. Physically it is characterized by short hair on the top, front, and sides of the head, followed by a long drape of hair on the back, reaching at least to the middle of the spine. Typical accessories to the mullet include moustaches, scraggly beards and/or goatees, and sunglasses. Research on the mullet phenomena, at this stage, is still in its infancy. However it is suggested by many top laboratories that the mullet, as it slowly reaches maturity, begins to grow tentacles into the brain of the victim. which affect several areas of the brain and fundamentally alter the candidate's actions and behavioral responses. Said behavioral changes mainly include extreme aggression, lack of hygiene, dramatic reduction in inhibitions (often bolstered by the consumption of alcohol), sense of paranoia and distrust towards authority/governmental figures, and most importantly - steadily decreasing IQ levels. I would stress that these are only preliminary details however, and the controversial nature of the theory renders it unsuitable for mass publication. - as defined by Rate My Mullet.

Scientists have received 2 million Euros for research into the effect of the Mullet on Laboratory mice. Further Reports to follow.

The Wrestler

2006-03-31T12:19:00.000-08:00

Hey look! I'm a Wrestling Champion! Sweet. Wrap me in spanex and let me loose. I'm a fury of teeth, nails, and pure unrefined rage.

Check out my record at: http://www.wrestlinghalloffame.org/champions/?names&wrestler=2306

Zoe Wars

2006-03-31T09:31:00.000-08:00

The force is strong with this one (especially after she eats peanut butter). I, Darth Vader, have a new padawan. The Empire will return under her powers more dark than any sith lord has ever achieved. More tenacious, more violent, more abrupt barking, and yes more chewing than any previous Jedi. Nothing can stop her concentration (unless it is food).

In the bowels of a Schnauzer was born a true fighter of epic, 6 pound, proportions. She is the cutest female with a beard and is capable of jumping 4 times her height (without using the force).

My padawan Zoe and I, Darth Vader, will strike when you least expect. We will torment the universe by doing the most mundane of all tasks. Skywalker will not stand forever!

Stay tuned for the next episode of ZOE WARS. Coming soon to a kennel near you.

Jack v. Jack In The Box.

2006-03-13T22:16:00.000-08:00

After watching this week's episode of 24 there are approximately 2.3 characters left on the show. Most of them have been killed by nerve gas. The suspense is so intense that I can smell it like incense in my underpence.

I have determined that there is only one thing that can save this show now...Chuck Norris.

Not Even Jack Bauer can touch the round-house kicking 66 year old acting genious of the Chuck.

Although Jack is prettier.

I don't know. 24 is getting too depressing to watch. They keep killing all of the characters and the terrorists are really pathetic. I mean, really, are they going to wait 60 min. in their plan just so we can watch Jack Bauer try to save the day, lose his daughter, and watch the rest of the cast die.

What the writers of 24 won't tell us is that Jack Bauer has the ability to save other people's lives and to restore their life but he won't do it because he's afraid of...CHUCK NORRIS.

OK I find Chuck Norris as entertaining as an empty tube of toothpaste but 24 is starting to irk me. Let's move on with the show people and drop the soap opera which killed the O.C. (or was it a round-house kick from Chuck Norris that killed the O.C.?). Honestly, I'd rather watch Jack Bauer duke it out with the Jack In The Box guy. Imagine the possibilities...we would be rid of an obnoxious fast food icon and Jack Bauer could regain his image ("the tough guy") by beating up a pimply teenager in a comical head.

Peace, Love, and other fuzzy emotional words!

2006-03-13T20:57:00.000-08:00